To be, or not to be... that is the question!

To be a Stay at Home Mom, or not to be a Stay at Home Mom... that is the question.  Not for me, obviously, since I head back to work in a matter of days!  But for many moms, this question is one of the most difficult parenting choices to be made!

After Gracie was born, I didn't even really consider staying at home.  But after Ella... I struggled, back and forth, back and forth, right up until Christmas.  It wasn't until I met with my boss, discussed my return-to-work options, and re-evaluated my job, that I finally decided 100% that I wanted to go back. And really, that 100% is only like 90% on the inside...

When I had Gracie, even though I was home, I always had one foot out the door to work.  I still maintained our company website, I still developed seminars for the local MFRC, and I still attended those seminars.  I was never fully separated from work the whole six months I was home.

When I had Ella, it started out the same way.  For a month or two, I still maintained our website... and then I gave up.  If I was going to be home with the girls, I was going to enjoy it, gosh darn it, and not be struggling to stay on top of work!  I also took 8 months off this time, instead of 6 months like I did with Gracie.  I took a full month before Ella was born, and an extra month on this end.  She'll be almost 7 months when I go back to work.

At times, it was so hard with Gracie being at daycare with Nancy while I was working.  Since I travel for work, I would get home in time to basically eat dinner and put Gracie to bed.  I was missing out on A LOT of her life.  I remember Nancy promising not to tell me if she crawled, or walked, or talked.  We both wanted me to be able to have those "firsts" with her, even if she had already done them with Nancy.  But at the same time, it really made me cherish the time that we did have.  There was no tired, cranky, frustrated mommy for Gracie to deal with.  Since I only saw her on the weekends and for an hour in the evenings, our time together was amazing!

It was hard for me to decide whether or not to go back this time... but one thing has made the decision much easier... this house!  We have totally outgrown our house.  Although it has 4 bedrooms, there is no real "living space" with just the family room downstairs (which isn't quite large enough for much more than our couches) and the living room upstairs.  This is where we spend most of our day when the girls are home with me.  But even this space isn't quite large enough... the toys are shoved in a corner to make it still resemble a living room, and every day we drag out all the toys, and every evening we put them all away.  There is no space designated for the toys.  There is no storage.  So everywhere you look, it seems like there are piles and there are boxes.  Clothes are the worst.  We can't donate any of Gracie's clothes because now we have Ella.  So every time one of them outgrows a set of clothes, they get packed up and stacked in the hallway... not terribly convenient.  And every three months or so, I have to unpack one of the boxes for Ella and pack away her too-small clothes in case the next baby we have is a girl too.

I feel like, at this point in my life, if I were to stay home with the girls, we would all go crazy.  The house isn't big enough to organize the way I would want in order to stay at home with them full time.  It would be a constant shuffle of toys, crafts, and kids, trying to keep things in a somewhat tidy order.  I cannot stand clutter, and I like a semi-tidy house.  We would spend more time trying to keep the house liveable than we would enjoying our time together.  I would be a cranky, miserable SAHM, and that's not good for anybody!

If I were to become a SAHM, I would want to be able to commit to it fully.  To not be focusing on cleaning during the day, to not be worried about the clutter and the junk.  I would want to devote my days to the girls... and right now I just can't do that.  So they go to Nancy's house, where they receive better care than they would here, that's for sure!  They enjoy themselves, they get to be kids.  They get to play, and make messes, and make crafts, and go on adventures.

We've decided we're going to sell this house.  If Danny gets into the military university program next year, we would be stuck here for another 5-6 years at least.  That is way too long to spend in this house.  So we have decided we are going to take this year to fix this house up, and once it's ready (next January at the latest) we are going to list it.  We'll move back into Kings County, so Gracie can go to school at Kingston Elementary, where I went to school.  We'll buy a house with room for all of us and all of our stuff, too.

Hopefully, if everything goes according to plan, when the next baby comes around (yes, we're having another one, NO not yet!) I'll have more freedom to make the stay-at-home-mom decision.  This house will be long gone, we'll be in a house that better suits our family, and I can decide whether to fully commit to being a SAHM.  There is nothing I would love more than to walk my girls to the bus stop, volunteer at their school, be there when they get home.  Yes, it's a little June Cleaver-ish, but I kinda like the idea.  I also love my job... I have a career that I quite enjoy, and I'm really not sure if I can just walk away from that.  I'm not sure if I'm ready to say "mom" when people ask me what I do for a living.  It's going to be a hard decision to make after the next baby... but I look forward to actually having the option of staying home, if we decide that is what's best for our family.  And for all of those moms out there that have already committed to stay at home, or have decided that working is the best option for them, I applaud you... cause Lord knows, it's not an easy decision, and there is no one right answer!