You know, it still surprises me sometimes how parenting is somehow an open debate amongst people. Mommies seem to be the worst to each other, but I see nasty comments on every parenting article I've ever read, on parenting help forums, and in my daily Facebook feed. Danny and I have a somewhat old-school view on parenting... our kids play outside alone (I can hear them from the open door or window - and check up on them frequently from a distance), they are not allowed in or on our bed unless invited in, they stay in bed until "the sun comes up" (on their alarm clock) even if they are awake before that, and we don't watch TV unless it's the weekend. I can tell you that the choices we make as parents are some of the ones getting slammed most frequently. There have been many times I've read comments telling me how I'm destroying my children's chances at a normal, healthy life. How my children will die a horrible, unsupervised death, because I don't love them enough. I even hear the "jokes" from my friends telling me how I'm a nazi parent, super strict, selfish, and how uneducated we must be for our choices.
But here's the thing... I have 3 healthy, happy (for the most part), well-adjusted children. I have been told from numerous people how well-behaved my children are. I have people ask me all the time, how I can take three children to church (alone) and sit in the front row, where everyone can see us. I have people stop me in the grocery store to tell me how polite and friendly my kids are. And every day, and every night, my kids hug me, kiss me, and tell me they love me. And, ultimately, isn't that the goal of raising children?
I had a woman stop me in church last week and ask me how I get my children to behave in church. After all, we are stuck to a tiny pew, for over an hour. Not to mention that, since I run the Sunday School program before church, my kids have been out of the house and on the go since roughly 8:30 every Sunday morning. By the time church starts, they have already been "behaving" for 3 hours. She said, how do you do it? And I told her... "My kids are expected to behave." And she laughed. Said, "Oh yeah, like that really works." But it does, for us at least. My kids are expected to have good behaviour. And anything less than that just isn't tolerated. They are not allowed to yell or scream in church. They're not allowed to run up and down the aisles. They're not allowed to fight with each other. They're not allowed to be rude or disrespectful to me, each other, or anybody else. The same rules apply for everywhere we go, and at home too. And perhaps that's the difference for my kids... they are expected to act the same way at home as they do in public. Being in public does not mean special behaviour from my children. They need to be just as kind, polite, and respectful at home as they are when we are out where people can see us. So behaving is a not a new concept for them, something we bring out only for special occasions.
I understand that my children are still considered "toddlers." After all, Ella is not yet 3 and Gracie is barely over 4. But from the time they could understand language (which is a lot younger than most people think), our expectations have been very clear. Be kind, be polite, and be respectful. Any behaviour contrary to those expectations is corrected. Whether it's at 9:00 in the morning and we're playing in our living room, or it's 4:30 in the afternoon and we're shopping at the grocery store. The expectations remain the same, and our corrections remain consistent. If the girls are downstairs playing and they treat each other unkindly, rudely, or disrespectfully, then that behaviour is addressed, and proper consequences will follow. Sometimes that's a quick chat about how to talk more kindly to a sister. Sometimes it's a time-out for being rude. But always, it is addressed.
I'm not saying that my kids don't misbehave. That they don't act like 2 and 4-year olds. They do, they definitely do. Ella has an issue with listening, and thinking that she runs this house and can do whatever she wants. And Gracie is 4, going on 16, and her attitude can be out of this world! But we are consistent, and we are insistent. "We don't do rude" is a saying my kids hear often. If rude words are spoken, then they need to be re-spoken, politely. If Ella is unkind, she gets a "No, m'am. That is not a nice way to ask for that toy. Please try again."
The thing is, being consistent can be exhausting. It can be so easy to pretend I don't hear the nasty talk going on downstairs. It can be easier to shuffle my kids through the grocery store without addressing bad behaviour and possibly having to dole out a time-out in the cracker aisle. But easier is not consistent, and being inconsistent doesn't enforce our rules... be kind, be polite, be respectful.
I can take my kids to a birthday party and know that they will be polite, and kind, and respectful of other children. In fact, when we are at a birthday party recently, Gracie got plowed over by a child who was not being respectful and ended up with a nasty gash on her elbow. I took her outside to calm down, and she said to me, "I know that boy didn't mean to knock me over, but even when we hurt someone not on purpose, we should still say we are sorry. I think that boy needs to tell me he's sorry." And she was absolutely right about that. But she didn't get an apology, or any acknowledgement at all, and her feelings were hurt because "that's not kind, mommy." They are very much aware, even at this young age, how their behaviour affects others and how feelings can be hurt when they choose to act unkindly, rudely, or disrespectfully.
They are not too young to be taught. They are not too young to understand. So when people ask me how I get my kids to behave in public, and I say "it's because it's expected of them," I am not being a horrible, strict, awful parent. I am being consistent with our rules, inside and outside of our home. Kids are never too young to be taught kindness, or politeness, or respectfulness and they are never too young to be reminded and encouraged that those are lessons we need to follow no matter where we are, or who we are with. We have tons of fun with our kids inside and outside of the house. We play, we make huge messes, we laugh, and yell, and screech. And we make mistakes, of course. But correcting mistakes does not make me a "nazi parent." It makes me responsible for the behaviour of children who are still learning and need guidance. And it makes me damn proud when someone compliments my girls on their attitudes and behaviour. It makes me confident that my children will have the skills needed to be kind, to be polite, and to be respectful, not only at this young impressionable age, but also as they grow up and go to school, high school, parties, events, work, and everywhere else where kindness seems to be a little bit lacking these days. I'm hoping that by being consistent with our rules now, maybe my children will be able to teach and carry on those important lessons that seem to be forgotten by children and adults alike.
I'm not an awful parent. At least, not for this.
I understand that my children are still considered "toddlers." After all, Ella is not yet 3 and Gracie is barely over 4. But from the time they could understand language (which is a lot younger than most people think), our expectations have been very clear. Be kind, be polite, and be respectful. Any behaviour contrary to those expectations is corrected. Whether it's at 9:00 in the morning and we're playing in our living room, or it's 4:30 in the afternoon and we're shopping at the grocery store. The expectations remain the same, and our corrections remain consistent. If the girls are downstairs playing and they treat each other unkindly, rudely, or disrespectfully, then that behaviour is addressed, and proper consequences will follow. Sometimes that's a quick chat about how to talk more kindly to a sister. Sometimes it's a time-out for being rude. But always, it is addressed.
I'm not saying that my kids don't misbehave. That they don't act like 2 and 4-year olds. They do, they definitely do. Ella has an issue with listening, and thinking that she runs this house and can do whatever she wants. And Gracie is 4, going on 16, and her attitude can be out of this world! But we are consistent, and we are insistent. "We don't do rude" is a saying my kids hear often. If rude words are spoken, then they need to be re-spoken, politely. If Ella is unkind, she gets a "No, m'am. That is not a nice way to ask for that toy. Please try again."
The thing is, being consistent can be exhausting. It can be so easy to pretend I don't hear the nasty talk going on downstairs. It can be easier to shuffle my kids through the grocery store without addressing bad behaviour and possibly having to dole out a time-out in the cracker aisle. But easier is not consistent, and being inconsistent doesn't enforce our rules... be kind, be polite, be respectful.
I can take my kids to a birthday party and know that they will be polite, and kind, and respectful of other children. In fact, when we are at a birthday party recently, Gracie got plowed over by a child who was not being respectful and ended up with a nasty gash on her elbow. I took her outside to calm down, and she said to me, "I know that boy didn't mean to knock me over, but even when we hurt someone not on purpose, we should still say we are sorry. I think that boy needs to tell me he's sorry." And she was absolutely right about that. But she didn't get an apology, or any acknowledgement at all, and her feelings were hurt because "that's not kind, mommy." They are very much aware, even at this young age, how their behaviour affects others and how feelings can be hurt when they choose to act unkindly, rudely, or disrespectfully.
They are not too young to be taught. They are not too young to understand. So when people ask me how I get my kids to behave in public, and I say "it's because it's expected of them," I am not being a horrible, strict, awful parent. I am being consistent with our rules, inside and outside of our home. Kids are never too young to be taught kindness, or politeness, or respectfulness and they are never too young to be reminded and encouraged that those are lessons we need to follow no matter where we are, or who we are with. We have tons of fun with our kids inside and outside of the house. We play, we make huge messes, we laugh, and yell, and screech. And we make mistakes, of course. But correcting mistakes does not make me a "nazi parent." It makes me responsible for the behaviour of children who are still learning and need guidance. And it makes me damn proud when someone compliments my girls on their attitudes and behaviour. It makes me confident that my children will have the skills needed to be kind, to be polite, and to be respectful, not only at this young impressionable age, but also as they grow up and go to school, high school, parties, events, work, and everywhere else where kindness seems to be a little bit lacking these days. I'm hoping that by being consistent with our rules now, maybe my children will be able to teach and carry on those important lessons that seem to be forgotten by children and adults alike.
I'm not an awful parent. At least, not for this.
