Danny and I have been together nearly ten years. That's almost a decade! And today, we celebrate our five-year wedding anniversary. In the last ten years, we've been through a shit-ton together. Good, bad, you name it... we've probably experienced it!
I love the crap out of him, and we are quite perfect together. And although we may be perfect for each other, we are definitely not perfect! I'm pretty sure that, as madly in love as we are with each other, we also drive each other bat-crap crazy, oh, probably 75% of the time. But there's an expression about how you know it's real love because the person knows all your faults, and loves you anyway.
So in honour of our five-years of wedded bliss, let me list my top-five "Things That Drive me Crazy" about my husband. (And if you want the mushy ode-to-love blog, you can check it out
here... I wrote that one a year or two ago.) Let me also acknowledge that I realize I do things that drive Danny crazy too... the difference is, Danny doesn't have a blog and can't write about them! Heh. Heh. Heh.
1. Paper Towel in the Sink
This is probably the most innocent faux-pas he could make. It's not a big deal, really. So he put a used piece of paper towel in the sink... except that it drives me craaaaazy! Let me explain... Danny likes to use paper towel to clean up the counters, or whatever little messes are around the kitchen (I know, bonus points because he cleans up, right?). I get that. What I don't get is why he then puts the used paper towel in the sink instead of the compost bin (below the sink), or the garbage can (a step away from the sink). Because here's what happens to that innocent piece of paper towel. He then turns on the tap and the paper towel gets wet. So it's now a soggy piece of paper towel. We also have a drain stop in our sink that we kind of use like a compost bin and just empty the crap from it when it gets full. So when he turns on the water, the crap raises out of the drain trap and clings to the paper towel. So now it's a soggy, cruddy piece of paper towel. And if I don't happen to see it right away, it sits there. Cruddy, and soggy, and now smelly. If we rinse bowls or cups into the sink... well, that's more vile disgustingness being added to the cruddy, soggy, smelly piece of paper towel. And once I see the paper towel in there, I have to take it out. Which means I have to ring that shit out. It's gross. It's nasty. And it drives me crazy. He knows it too... I'm not even sure how many times we've had this conversation. From, "Oh, honey... I don't like it when you leave paper towel in the sink." To, "For the love of sweet baby Jesus, why do you keep doing this?!?! You know how much I hate it, and I've asked you a million f'ing times to just throw the damn paper towel in the garbage! ARRRRRRHHHHH!" But he'll keep doing it! The bastard.
2. When I make Him Sleep Downstairs, He LIKES It
I'm a huge fan of going to bed angry. I don't believe in staying up all night to hash out arguments. Only one thing happens when you stay up to argue: You get tired. And when you get tired, you start arguing in circles, not making any sense. Or, even worse, you get tired and more angry, bringing up old fights that have nothing to do with what you're actually arguing about. So, if we're having a stupid fight and we're both just cranky, we sleep it out. Usually, during sleep, we naturally gravitate towards each other, and one of us ends up cuddling the other, and you feel much better by the morning.
Sometimes, however, the fight has annoyed us enough that we decide we'd rather sleep alone than end up accidentally cuddling in the middle of the night. When these fights happen (for example, when my husband has left paper towel in the sink again!), I usually banish Danny to the guest room. That'll teach him to mess with me. Except the next morning, he comes out of the guest room, smiling. He's had a wonderful sleep, and "oh smoochy poo, I'm so sorry about the paper towel. But I slept so great last night, I feel wonderful!" And then he kisses me. Seriously? You get banished from my company, and you wake up the next morning feeling wonderful? Who does he think he is? He's supposed to come out cranky and miserable, so I can feel justified and righteous. But no, apparently sleeping apart once in a while means a good night sleep for him. It also means he usually apologizes first, and makes me look bad. The bastard.
3. He Touches my Mirrors
Now that we only have one vehicle that fits the whole family, the big car has become "mine." That means I'm the one driving it 90% of the time. Danny has his new little fuel-efficient car to get back and forth to Acadia, and I have the mama-mobile. It goes without saying that Danny is bigger than I am... so when he drives the car, he puts the seat all the way back. I understand that... he shouldn't have the steering wheel sitting on his lap. But he changes my mirrors. Every. Freaking. Time. If you are only driving the car to pick up the girls, and then driving straight home, why do you need to adjust the side mirrors? Do what normal people do... lean a little! Lean a little to the left, and you can see well enough to back out of the driveway. It never fails after Danny drives my car... I get in and the seat is all the way back, and when I start to back up, I notice I can't see anything except the next door neighbour's house. So then I have to readjust them. It's my freaking car, and those mirrors were perfect, damn it! It's not like you're traveling 600 kilometres and need to do constant checks of the surrounding. You're driving down the road. And then back. Leave my mother f'in mirrors alone. Bastard
4. Farts
I know this must be on every woman's list of things that drives her crazy. But seriously. It drives me crazy! Do you know it took three years for one of us to fart in front of the other. And, dirty little secret, I did it first! Just to get it over with! If I could rewind this relationship seven years, I would undo that fart. Apparently, popping the fart cherry unleashed a beast. Danny now farts wherever, whenever, and all the freaking time. He wakes me up from a dead sleep with the smell. He farts at the dinner table, and laughs because it vibrates on the wooden chair. He hotboxes the car. He stops me mid-conversation so I can fully appreciate the force of a fart. He farts in the grocery store and then shoves me down the aisle before I'm finished looking at something so the smell doesn't catch up with us. Do you know how hard it is to grocery shop with a husband crop-dusting all the aisles?? I remember one particular hormonal day, I had had enough of the farting, and actually almost cried, begging him to stop. Almost. Cried. It has to be the most depressing thing, looking forward in the future, knowing that I have another 30 or 40 or 50 years of farts. The bastard.
5. The "Sweet and Innocent" Act
Danny is quiet by nature. Unless you really know him, you would think he was shy. Really, he's a manipulative little actor, who has you all right where he wants you. Even my parents, who have known him as long as I have, are still tricked by him. When they come to visit, I hear them say to him at least once "Oh, poor Danny. You have a lot to put up with Samantha." And he just nods, with a little smile, and says something sweet, like "Yeah, but she's worth it." And then squeezes my shoulder, or gives me a little kiss. And they fall for it. Every. Goddamn. Time. As soon as they leave the room, he laughs out loud. He knows he's just as difficult and stubborn as me! The difference is, he's learned to hide it when people are around. I naturally talk all the time, no matter who's around. He clams up as soon as his people radar goes off so all anybody sees is "Sweet and Innocent" Danny. I know better. And he knows better. And it annoys the crap out of me!
Another way people are fooled are in his daddying skills. Don't get me wrong, Danny is a fantastic father! He's more hands-on than I could ever in a million years ask for. But don't think that he doesn't have moments like the rest of us tired moms; moments where he gives permission to Ella to jump out the living room window because he says "uh-huh" when she asks a question because he's too busy looking at his phone to really listen to her. Or moments when Gracie becomes his personal servant because he's too lazy to get off the couch and she thinks "helping" is the most awesome thing in the world. He has plenty of stellar-daddy-moments. Plenty. But, at least two or three times a month, when we're picking the girls up from daycare, or we're at the mall, someone will inevitably comment on his awesomeness. At the mall, the girls will be dressed up so cute, and their hair done just right. And the five of us will be walking down the mall, and someone will comment, "Aww... just look at those sweet little girls. You can just tell they're Daddy's little girls. Awwwwww..." And then they'll wink at him, and he'll smile. Who in the hell do you think dressed them up like that and wrestled with them for 15 minutes to do their hair?? It certainly wasn't daddy! And just the other day, Nancy was telling us how well-mannered the girls were, and she said, "Samantha, we all know that you're a good mom." And I was about to say thank you, but she wasn't finished... "Samantha, we all know that you're a good mom... but the whole world knows that Danny is just an amazing father." And he did that little smile. That sweet and innocent smile. And I wanted to punch him in the throat. But I couldn't, because I had to agree. Because it's actually true. The bastard.
So that's them... the top-five list. The constant annoyances with my otherwise perfect husband. Isn't it funny how these tiny little things will make you want to murder a man, though?? Seriously, I have a whole board on Pinterest called "Don't Kill Him Yet." And when I find funny little sayings that remind me how much I love, and yet want to kill, my husband, I save them to read in moments of frustration. Like this one...
So true!!
But as much as we annoy each other, and as much as we may want to smother the other person in our sleep, I know that I am a better person because of Danny. He is truly my better half! And every year on our anniversary, I like to listen to our wedding song again. It speaks perfectly to our relationship. We really are better together! xox
