My Lenten Promises... down the $*#*@#* drain!

Every year at Lent, I strive to be a better person.  For those of you unfamiliar with this Catholic season, it's the 40 days leading up to Easter (and it also starts the day after Pancake Tuesday!).  The point of Lent is to emulate Jesus when he spent 40 days fasting in the desert, and to give up something that is important to you, or, do something each day to make yourself a better person.  I try to tackle both of those every lent.  Give something up, do something good.

My "give something up" has been the same every year for the past 4 years.  Stop swearing.  It's not only one of my greatest vices, it's also a vice I enjoy very much.  I have a potty mouth... you may have heard! :)   Four years ago, the girls in my office decided to join me, and we gave a quarter for every curse word to charity.  40 days later, and over $100 to charity, we obviously were not curse free!

My "do something good" to make myself a better person was to be more positive.  I would looooove to be one of those people who see the positive side of everything, and can smile no matter how bad things get.  But I am not.  I curse instead.  And cursing is 1) something I'm trying very hard to give up and, 2) not very positive.

The cursing (or lack thereof) was going quite well.  I very diligently substituted non-curse words when the need to cuss arose.  "Oh for bugger's sake!" "Holy crap-a-doodle-do!" "Oh, for the love of popsicles!" and, "Shut the front door!"  I even had Gracie walking around the house yelling "holy guacamole!"  And then I went back to work.  And then I bid farewell to Lenten Promise #1.  It's not that I'm not still trying.  I am!!  I'm just failing miserably.  When computer systems are constantly crashing in the middle of my settlement proposals, and clients are calling and asking the silliest questions possible, and court documents are being rejected because I can't remember how the heck (see, a non-cuss word!) to complete the darn forms after being away for 7 months, it's hard not to let out an f-word.  Or an s-word. Or a word that starts with any letter of the alphabet that I can make sound like a curse word!

The being positive thing is my biggest challenge though, because it's not just a matter of substituting one word for another.  It's a whole state of being.  A whole mental challenge.  And I positively suck at it!  

I wake up at 6:15 in the morning.  My clothes are already picked out, the lunches and breakfasts are already made, and I just pack and go.  So far, so good.  I even manage to stay positive through most of the day at work.  Then on the drive home, things start to brew in my brain.  It must be the 30 minutes of alone time in the car.  I start to think back about the dumb things that people have said, stupid issues that need to be dealt with, and a myriad of other useless things to think about.  And I start to get cranky.  Of course, by this time, I'm also exhausted, which doesn't help.  When I get home, I'm frustrated that I still have to cook supper, clean up the dishes, get the girls to bed, make the lunches for the next day, make the breakfasts for the next day, pick out my clothes, pack the bags, and do a workout (all with help, mind you!).  It's usually almost 8:00 before I have a chance to sit down.  And that makes me super cranky.  This is where I struggle to focus on the positive things. I have a job!  I have two kids!  I have a loving husband!  I have legs to stand on!  All of the things that I take for granted and that could be worse.  And when I point it out to myself that I could be more positive, and I have lots to be grateful for, then I get mad at myself for not being more positive... which is, you know, not very positive of me!

So as I struggle through another 40 days of Lent, being positive and curse-free, I only ask that stupid things stop happening so I can stop being cranky about them.  And as for the cursing... well that's a life-long battle I have to overcome before Gracie's vocabulary adds any more four-letters words! I'm just thankful I'm not paying quarters anymore, or else we'd be poor! :)

 

Babysitter Adventures...

Danny and I went out the other night on an actual date night.  Like a real one!  Usually date nights either include the girls, involve a family member staying at our house while we're out, or a babysitter comes over after we've already done all the work and the girls are in bed (which is fantastic way to waste $30! lol).  This time, the babysitter came over at 4:30, and was in charge of supper, bathtime, and bedtime.

We haven't been able to go out for a while because our old babysitter was posted and we hadn't found someone to replace her yet.  I don't have any problem leaving the girls with someone I trust, but it's hard to find someone responsible, and comfortable, enough to handle an infant.  When we were asked on this triple-date, I didn't know what I was going to do about a babysitter... and then I remembered our day-sitter's daughter.  She's in her second year of university and (bonus!) the girls already know and love her.  Sure enough she was available, and we got to start dreaming about our night out!

When the night came, Caitlin arrived at 4:30.  It was her first time at the house, so I had to give her the tour, and Gracie wanted to show her her own room.  I ran through the usual... dinner is here, bedtime is when, emergency numbers are what... and then said we were leaving.  But of course we didn't leave yet.  Nope, I did what every parent I ever babysit for did to me.  The list of tips and tricks. "Gracie may do this." "If she asks for this, do this."  "Sometimes we do this."  After I left, I remembered being a teenager and thinking to myself, "Just go already so I can play with your kids.  We will figure it out!"  I remember that none of the tips and tricks were actually that helpful, and I couldn't remember past the first one anyway!  I'm sure Caitlin felt the same way, since she very politely said, "okay" after every tip I gave her and gave me "that" smile.

We headed to our friends' house to catch a ride with them.  Inside, they were giving their babysitter the exact same spiel I had just been through.  I realized at that moment that I am probably doomed to annoy all future babysitters for the remainder of my children's childhoods!  But hey, I bought cheesies for her, so maybe that'll help! :)

We were off to Kellocks for supper (one of my favs!) but unfortunately I had been dealing with a stomach bug for a few days and was only able to eat a few bites of my pasta before deciding it was better to just pack it up to take home.  After supper we headed to the movies to see Identity Thief.  It was pretty entertaining!  I called home to check on Caitlin once, just to make sure Ella got down to bed okay.  I don't think I'll need to check on her at all during future outings, she was 100% comfortable with the girls.

We were home by 10:00 (my favourite time of the night... bedtime!), and I pretty much crashed right away.  My first week back to work, combined with stomach bug recovery made me one sleepy mama.  But it was so nice to get out!  Danny leaves for his PLQ course in 2 weeks, and I've already told Caitlin I'll be calling for her again.  I figure getting out of the house while Danny is away is probably a great way to save my sanity!  I'll probably even do something real crazy... like go to the bookstore, or maybe a frenchy's run... and maybe I'll get a tea while I'm at it!! Oh, the adventures I can have now that I have a fantastic sitter again!! :)

Working Mama

I went back to work this week.  It was supposed to be on Monday, but since there was another lovely blizzard blowing outside my window, I called in storm-stayed.  That's right, I skipped my first day of work! :)

Tuesday found me up at 6:15 a.m.  All the lunches were made, the girls' bags were packed, my work bag was packed, and the breakfast smoothies were in the fridge.  I just had to get dressed, start the car, wake up Gracie, get her dressed, take her to pee, wake up Ella, and walk out the door.  It went amazingly well!  Everything was right on schedule, and was as easy as I had hoped (after all of the planning to make sure mornings could be seamless).  Since I work in Kentville, I had to be out the door by 7:03, drop the ladies off at daycare, and be at work by 8:00.  I arrived at 7:55.  Perfection!

We had a nice little "welcome back Sam" chat in the pit at work (the "pit" is the area where I work with a couple of other ladies) and I dove right in.  I dove right in because I already had a pile of files on my desk waiting for me.  A settlement proposal, client letters, and the usual daily stuff.  Then one of my lawyers called and asked if I could import an email list from Excel to Outlook.  Our I.T. guy was having a hell of a time, so maybe I could give it a try.  Sure!  I got it to import, and then accidentally sent a blank email to over 2000 lawyers.  That's right... TWO THOUSAND!!  *sigh* And it was only 10:30.  I know you're probably thinking, "it's just a blank email, what's the big deal?"  The deal is that most lawyers live on their email... which means within minutes, my Inbox filled with close to 600 replies.  Some of them were standard replies, "so-and-so is out of the office..." but many were different versions of "hey crazy lady, you just sent me a blank email... did you really want something or are you just monumentally fucking up your first day back to work?"  I also received 8 phone calls asking the same thing.  So I wrote an apology to almost every single person who emailed me back.  I did meet a couple of interesting people, including one gentleman who was sure we were related, and three lawyers who asked if I was a real person or a Zimbabwean looking for travel money back to Canada (a common spam letter to lawyers, believe it or not).

Of course the email comedy didn't end there.  Nope.  See the reason I imported the list of 2000+ lawyers is because one of my lawyers was trying to mass-email them.  It turns out that our server isn't capable of mass-emailing, so I had to copy and paste individual email addresses from one email program to another (which doesn't support imported address lists).  It took the rest of my first day, plus the entire next day... with me and another girl working on it in turns.  Isn't that a fantastic welcome back to work??

Also, I've discovered that I am probably going to have to move out of the "pit" into an actual office.  Turns out the new lawyer I am working for is incredibly busy, with many extra-curricular lawyer activities that I am also responsible for, and my little corner of the pit just isn't big enough.  Now having one's own office may seem like a privilege... but I think it'll just make me lonely!  You see, the nice thing about working in a pit setting is that a few times a day, I get to lean back in my chair, take a deep breath, and have a nice little chat with my pit ladies.  We sometimes do useless trivia, sometimes we do word definitions (yeah, we're nerds), sometimes we just complain about everything under the sun.  But it's nice to have the companionship and know you're not alone.  If I have my own office, I can just imagine myself sitting at my desk... looking out the door into the pit and watching the other girls have a little chat break.  A tear will roll down my cheek.  And I'll call out "helloooo?"  But nobody will hear me.  Okay, so maybe a little dramatic.  But I've been in my corner for 5 years, and I don't wanna move! :(  

When I left work on Thursday, I was pretty sure it was Friday.  I said "have a good weekend" to everybody, and they laughed at me.  Today, both of my lawyers were out. So I thought I was going to get to relax and slow down a little... but alas, the 2000+ lawyer email fiasco reared its ugly head again, and I spent the entire afternoon on the phone with our tech people trying to sort it out.  I love my job, and am very excited to be working again.  But it wasn't exactly the first days back that I was expecting!

Here's hoping that next week runs a little smoother... and that my Monday morning screw-up will be a little less epic!! Although I see they are forecasting ANOTHER storm for Sunday, so maybe I will get to enjoy another short week next week!  In any event, here's hoping that I get back into the swing of things quickly and start to love my work again... so I don't have to question my return to the working world, and do something crazy... like getting knocked up again!! :)

30 Day Shred - The Middle

Well I'm about to embark on Level 2 of the 30 Day Shred.  If you didn't get a chance to read about the first 10 days, you can check it out here, trust me - it's inspiring! Bahaha!!  Actually, if you want  real inspiration... here are my true feelings on exercise:

It has been brought to my attention that, although I totally hate Jillian Michaels, that is apparently a common sentiment among those who have done her workouts.  It was also pointed out to me that if she weren't such a total bitch, giving up would be much easier.  So, although I say "screw you, Jillian" quite frequently throughout the workouts, I need to remember that this cold-hearted woman is going to get me to my goal of not breaking into a severe sweat whenever I have to lift my lazy ass off the couch! :)

Okay, so here we go!

Day 11

Just as I suspected... that was hard!  I basically grunted and cursed my way through the entire workout.  At one point we had to to some sort of exercise in a plank position and I'm not gonna lie... I laid face down on the floor and listened to my heart thumping in my ears for basically the full 60 seconds.  I'll be interested to see how much better I can do these exercises by day 20!!  If I can do this workout easily by then, I might actually have something good to say about Ms. Michaels!

Day 12

I kinda feel like barfing today.  Possibly because I got thrown up on by a 6-month old, and a 2-year old just sneezed in my mouth.  So, even though I just started Level 2, I really need today off.  It's 6:30 p.m., both girls are in bed, and I'm off to bed too.  I'll try again tomorrow! 

Day 13

Well I made it through the entire workout without laying on the floor.  I had to take a couple of breaks throughout the workout, but overall I am extremely impressed with how different today was from the first day of this level!  Go me! 

Day 14

I made it through again... still shaking now.  The plank-jacks are killer.  But Jillian wouldn't know that, since she just stares at the camera and tells you to keep moving.  Stupid Jillian.

Day 15

Danny's home from Yellowknife and I invited him to watch the workout.  I wanted to know if I was doing the moves correctly and whether or not he would find it difficult.  He said he was impressed with how I'm sticking to it (I may have given up on half a million different exercises in the past), but he kind of laughed at me when I asked him if he would be able to keep up.  Apparently he is way too fit for Jillian!

Day 16

Tonight I went to the city to enjoy a nice evening with friends.  We indulged in snack foods and I even had a beer.  Sorry Jillian! :)

Day 17

Not gonna lie... I may have have half-assed the workout tonight.  We got back from the city, we had to unpack, the girls are both sick.  It was a miserable night without adding more misery to the mix!  It was all I could do to finish... I actually walked away twice, but came back.  Now that's determination... or stupidity... haven't decided yet  

Day 18

I did the workout tonight, but I didn't do it well.  I could barely keep up, and I was only making it through parts of the workout.  I have a little upset tummy tonight, and sheer exhaustion from trying to get ready for my return to work.  So although I completed the workout... it wasn't pretty!  I have 2 days left to rock this thing... here's hoping tomorrow is more energized!

Yeah... so I've had to take a hiatus from the last two days of this workout.  I buggered up my knee and am unable to do many of the exercises in this level.  Also, heading back to work this week has made my life incredibly crazy and hectic.  I'm a little disappointed with my Level 2 accomplishment... but no worries, I'll get back it at for Level 3!  

To be, or not to be... that is the question!

To be a Stay at Home Mom, or not to be a Stay at Home Mom... that is the question.  Not for me, obviously, since I head back to work in a matter of days!  But for many moms, this question is one of the most difficult parenting choices to be made!

After Gracie was born, I didn't even really consider staying at home.  But after Ella... I struggled, back and forth, back and forth, right up until Christmas.  It wasn't until I met with my boss, discussed my return-to-work options, and re-evaluated my job, that I finally decided 100% that I wanted to go back. And really, that 100% is only like 90% on the inside...

When I had Gracie, even though I was home, I always had one foot out the door to work.  I still maintained our company website, I still developed seminars for the local MFRC, and I still attended those seminars.  I was never fully separated from work the whole six months I was home.

When I had Ella, it started out the same way.  For a month or two, I still maintained our website... and then I gave up.  If I was going to be home with the girls, I was going to enjoy it, gosh darn it, and not be struggling to stay on top of work!  I also took 8 months off this time, instead of 6 months like I did with Gracie.  I took a full month before Ella was born, and an extra month on this end.  She'll be almost 7 months when I go back to work.

At times, it was so hard with Gracie being at daycare with Nancy while I was working.  Since I travel for work, I would get home in time to basically eat dinner and put Gracie to bed.  I was missing out on A LOT of her life.  I remember Nancy promising not to tell me if she crawled, or walked, or talked.  We both wanted me to be able to have those "firsts" with her, even if she had already done them with Nancy.  But at the same time, it really made me cherish the time that we did have.  There was no tired, cranky, frustrated mommy for Gracie to deal with.  Since I only saw her on the weekends and for an hour in the evenings, our time together was amazing!

It was hard for me to decide whether or not to go back this time... but one thing has made the decision much easier... this house!  We have totally outgrown our house.  Although it has 4 bedrooms, there is no real "living space" with just the family room downstairs (which isn't quite large enough for much more than our couches) and the living room upstairs.  This is where we spend most of our day when the girls are home with me.  But even this space isn't quite large enough... the toys are shoved in a corner to make it still resemble a living room, and every day we drag out all the toys, and every evening we put them all away.  There is no space designated for the toys.  There is no storage.  So everywhere you look, it seems like there are piles and there are boxes.  Clothes are the worst.  We can't donate any of Gracie's clothes because now we have Ella.  So every time one of them outgrows a set of clothes, they get packed up and stacked in the hallway... not terribly convenient.  And every three months or so, I have to unpack one of the boxes for Ella and pack away her too-small clothes in case the next baby we have is a girl too.

I feel like, at this point in my life, if I were to stay home with the girls, we would all go crazy.  The house isn't big enough to organize the way I would want in order to stay at home with them full time.  It would be a constant shuffle of toys, crafts, and kids, trying to keep things in a somewhat tidy order.  I cannot stand clutter, and I like a semi-tidy house.  We would spend more time trying to keep the house liveable than we would enjoying our time together.  I would be a cranky, miserable SAHM, and that's not good for anybody!

If I were to become a SAHM, I would want to be able to commit to it fully.  To not be focusing on cleaning during the day, to not be worried about the clutter and the junk.  I would want to devote my days to the girls... and right now I just can't do that.  So they go to Nancy's house, where they receive better care than they would here, that's for sure!  They enjoy themselves, they get to be kids.  They get to play, and make messes, and make crafts, and go on adventures.

We've decided we're going to sell this house.  If Danny gets into the military university program next year, we would be stuck here for another 5-6 years at least.  That is way too long to spend in this house.  So we have decided we are going to take this year to fix this house up, and once it's ready (next January at the latest) we are going to list it.  We'll move back into Kings County, so Gracie can go to school at Kingston Elementary, where I went to school.  We'll buy a house with room for all of us and all of our stuff, too.

Hopefully, if everything goes according to plan, when the next baby comes around (yes, we're having another one, NO not yet!) I'll have more freedom to make the stay-at-home-mom decision.  This house will be long gone, we'll be in a house that better suits our family, and I can decide whether to fully commit to being a SAHM.  There is nothing I would love more than to walk my girls to the bus stop, volunteer at their school, be there when they get home.  Yes, it's a little June Cleaver-ish, but I kinda like the idea.  I also love my job... I have a career that I quite enjoy, and I'm really not sure if I can just walk away from that.  I'm not sure if I'm ready to say "mom" when people ask me what I do for a living.  It's going to be a hard decision to make after the next baby... but I look forward to actually having the option of staying home, if we decide that is what's best for our family.  And for all of those moms out there that have already committed to stay at home, or have decided that working is the best option for them, I applaud you... cause Lord knows, it's not an easy decision, and there is no one right answer!

My little sicko...

Poor Gracie has a cold.  It's probably the worst cold she's ever had in her entire life!!!  Okay, so her entire life only consists of two years, but still!

We have been fairly lucky with Gracie.  She has never had the flu!  There was one incident where she had a slight stomach bug, threw up all over herself, and smelled horrible for 3 days (you can read about it here, it's fantastic, I promise!), but that is her only experience with any sort of illness.  She woke up once in the middle of the night with a raging fever, but even that was gone by morning.

This cold has been around for a few days now.  She has the runny nose, the hacking cough, the achy skin (I'm guessing, since she keeps telling me "your touches hurt, mommy"), the tiredness, and a horrible case of the crankies!

Of course, even with little colds comes some laughs.  I wasn't laughing yesterday though, when she was sitting on my lap, facing me, and we were having a little chat.  She had her hands on my face and just as I opened my mouth to say something, she sneezed.  Of course, her hands were on my face, so she couldn't cover her own... which meant I got a mouthful of sneeze.  It was disgusting.  I screeched a little, and almost threw up.  Mmmm... someone else's boogers!  Gracie, for her part, said "Sorry Mommy.  Excuse me."  But it didn't make me feel any better.  (Oh, and in case you wanted to know, mere moments later, after picking up Ella to carry her off to bed, that lovely six-month old threw up her entire dinner... all over me.  It was a fantastic night!)

Yesterday, while getting supper ready, the girls were playing in the kitchen.  Gracie was feeling pretty good, since she had just gotten home from Nancy's and had enjoyed some nice fresh air.  She was dancing around the kitchen, la-dee-da-dee-da, when Nanny Fillmore called on Skype.  Gracie said, "Hi Nanny! How's it goin?" and Nanny said, "Oh, my poor wittle Gracie, are you sick my darling girl?  You don't feel good do you?  Do you need to lie down on the couch and get some rest?"  Gracie stopped dancing, put on her saddest voice and said, "Yes, Nanny.  I'm sick."  Then she turned to me, and said, "I'm sick, Mommy" and proceeded to cough.  Then she turned from the happy, dancing child, to a child who was whining, crying, and telling me how sick she was.  Way to go, Nanny!!  Next time dad has a man-cold, I'm going to call and make sure he knows just how sick he really is, and we'll see how you like taking care of a "sick" 2-year old! :)

Since Gracie has had this cold, she's been using a really soft voice to talk.  Probably because her throat hurts.  When she's not whining, she's super clingy, but polite!  Yesterday, all day, it was, "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy."  And because I couldn't hear her, I had to ask her to repeat herself 3, or 4, or even 5 times.  But the one word that always came through loud and clear?  Mommy!  Every 2 seconds, she had a new request.  "Mommy?  Can I have a granola bar?" "Mommy?  Can you open my playdough?" "Mommy?  I want a drink." "Mommy?" "Mommy?" "Mommy?"  For just a second, I lost my cool and said, "whaaaaaat?!?" and Gracie replied, "Mommy?  We say pardon me, not what."  *sigh*  She had me there! :)

The last couple of nights I've given Gracie a couple teaspoons of honey before bed.  It's really helped quiet her cough at nighttime, although I think I'm going to have a hard time convincing her this isn't an "every night" kind of thing!  The one good thing about Gracie not feeling well?  When I was getting Ella ready for bed at 6:00 tonight, Gracie said to me, "Mommy?  I'm tired.  I'll go to bed now too, please."  An extra hour and a half to myself tonight??  Okay!! :)

All the Single Mamas

I'm not a single mom... I'm very happily married, and my husband takes great care of me and the girls. However, 2 1/2 weeks ago, my husband embarked on a voyage to Yellowknife, with the intention of returning 2 days later.  It has been nearly 3 weeks, and there is no sign of my husband anywhere (actually, there will be a sign of him on Ice Pilots, NWT, since they spent all of last week shooting episodes with the crew from Buffalo Air... but I digress...)!  In case I have never told you Danny's line of work, he's an aircraft technician in the military.  He works on the Auroras.  Those piece of shit airplanes.  Okay, so maybe I'm just mad at the planes right now, and they're not really pieces of shit.  Maybe.

In any event, Danny left nearly three weeks ago and has yet to come home.  That has left me in the world of single mama-dom.  It's to be expected when married to a military man.  Except that this wasn't expected.  He was supposed to be home over 2 weeks ago!  So I will admit, I was unprepared. Not that there's a lot to prepare for when your husband goes away... but mentally, totally wasn't ready for it.  For example... Danny left Saturday morning.  He was supposed to be home Monday.  So I decided to wait for him to give the girls their next baths since it is much easier to bathe 2 tiny people with an extra set of hands (and they had just bathed that night).  Monday came, no Danny.  Tuesday came, no Danny.  By Wednesday, the girls really smelled and Danny told me it would be at least another 3 days before they would be home.   That was it, I had to wash those girls before things started growing in their cracks and crevices!

Also, before Danny had left we had stocked up the woodpile inside so I could keep the fire going.  By Tuesday night I was calling my sister and begging her to help me bring in the wood so we wouldn't have to freeze to death.  I could turn on the electric heat, I suppose... but I'm waaaay to cheap for that! :)

I should also mention the food.  Danny was supposed to be gone for a couple of days.  For me that meant Kraft Dinner and easy cookings for the girls while he was away.  By that Thursday, I realized I was going to have to start cooking Gracie some real food, or else she was going to die of a sodium overdose (is that possible?!).

Gracie is also used to her dad being around.  For the first week, she was really good.  She politely asked "is my dad still in Yellowknife?" and I would say, "Yes, but he's coming back soon!"  Then it got to the point where I think she stopped believing me (kind of like when we kept telling her that she was getting a baby sister "soon") and now she's just downright pissed off too.  She's being a complete little buggerhead with an attitude like you wouldn't believe.  I try to remember that she's just reacting to the fact that Danny isn't around... but it doesn't make me want to throttle her any less!  Even her babysitter has commented on how "lovely" she's been behaving.  Last Monday Nancy told me that she was getting time-outs for hitting the other kids at daycare.  So we had a chat about that!  The next time, Nancy said she didn't hit, but she was scratching the kids now.  So we had a chat about that.  The next time, Nancy said she stopped hitting and scratching, but now she was biting the other kids!  I was horrified!  So we had a very severe chat about that!!  Apparently she doesn't hit, bite, scratch, push, or kick the kids anymore.  But she has taken to slamming the doors and screaming "Nooooo!" at Nancy.  Fantastic!

How I've felt every time Gracie has thrown a tantrum because she's starving (even though she currently has a granola bar in her hand), is tired (even though she's refusing to nap), Charlie is bugging her (even though Charlie is nowhere near her), or just because she wants to! :)

Ella, for her part, hasn't really noticed Danny's absence.  Except that she has finally started babbling the last two weeks.  Any guess as to what her first constant consonant has been?  "Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da" all day long!   She's also started eating more solid foods since he's left.  That has meant an increase to three dirty diapers a day!  THREE!!!!  And I'm not talking little tiny poos.  I'm talking complete blow-outs.  Change of outfit, up to the neck, poos.  And who gets to change allllll of these dirty diapers?  This single mama.  And do I get rewarded with a little "ma-ma-ma-ma-ma-ma"?  NOPE!

Also, have you read my post about witching hour?  It has been nearly three weeks of all-alone dinner time.  That means almost three weeks of witching hours!  That means that if Danny doesn't get home in the next day or so, it's going to be drive-thrus and take-out for the remainder of his time away, just so I don't have to listen to the girls scream while I try to cook something nutritious.

Yup, dinner time - no energy to fight the little witches! :)

But you know what?  We're making it through okay.  The kids may not be eating the healthiest foods,  I may have decided on more than one occasion that bedtime tonight would be at 6:30 instead of 7:15 (Gracie can't tell time yet... I'm brilliant!), and I may have pretended I didn't see Gracie laying on the floor throwing her 27th tantrum in 15 minutes because I didn't want to expel the precious energy to discipline her... but we're surviving! :) 

I miss Danny terribly, he really is my partner in every sense of the word, and especially when it comes to parenting.  But I have a new-found appreciation for single mamas. I never thought it was easy being a single mom.  I knew it was probably downright the most difficult thing EVER!  And after nearly three weeks of parenting alone, I have all the respect in the world for those single parents.  Really not a job I would want full-time!  Thank goodness Danny is actually going to make it home someday and my job as a single mama will be over!  Until he leaves on the 8th of March for 6 weeks... I better stock up on some baby powder, cause those girls are gonna stink!!! :)

This is TOTALLY how I feel at the end of some days.  Especially the "say I'm pretty" part! 

30 Day Shred - The Beginning

I decided to do Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred.  Mostly because I've been complaining for months (*ahem* years) about how out of shape I am.  I've been blessed with a little frame, but that does not mean that I am in shape, or even that I'm the shape I want to be.  

There's this misconception that because I am "small," I should be perfectly happy with my body.  It doesn't exactly work like that... although I am quite satisfied with my body (especially considering I've had 2 kids in less than 2 years) there are things that I would like to improve.  And that's my prerogative!  I find it incredibly frustrating when talking with people about working out, body shapes, and the things that we would like to improve about ourselves, and they say to me "you have no right to complain because you're already tiny."  I'm sorry, but I have just as much right to want to improve myself as the next person.   I know lots of people bigger than me who are happy with themselves, and lots of people smaller than me who are miserable with their shapes.  Does that mean that if you're big you should want to change, and if you're small you should keep your mouth shut?  I don't think so!  We all have the right to be comfortable with ourselves!  And if that means that I want my baby pooch to disappear, and I'm willing to work for it, I shouldn't have to endure people rolling their eyes at me and telling me how lucky I am to be so small.  What happened to support, people?  Stop all this "well, I'm bigger than you" competition and let's just support each other's quests for happiness... okay??

Okay... so basically the Shred consists of 30 days of daily workouts, 20 minutes each.  You do Level 1 for 10 days, Level 2 for 10 days, and Level 3 for 10 days.  I've decided to keep track of how I feel after each day, in case you're looking to try the Shred, or any other workout program for that matter.  Call it motivation (or determent, whatever!)!  I took my measurements at the beginning, so we can see how they change at the end of the 30 days!

Day 1

So I just finished the first day of level 1.  I would like to say, I hate Jillian Michaels.  She talked through the whole video and I just wanted her to shut the hell up.  Also, she kept telling me "You can do this.  Keep going!" and all I could think was "why don't you get your ass on the floor and do it too, then?  Don't just stand there!"  Anyway... I'm totally out of shape.  This last 20 minutes confirmed that for me.  My hands are shaking and I'm out of breath.  But I survived it! :)

Day 2

Okay, day 2 is complete.  I woke up this morning feeling like I slept with my arms tied behind my back.  My armpits and boob muscles hurt so bad.  Yesterday I could only do like 3 horrible pushups... and I could feel those 3 horrible pushups when I tried to wash my hair, when I picked up grocery bags, and all night long.  This morning I felt horrible too... in an "owey" kind of way.  But guess what? I did 7 push ups today, and the first 5 weren't so horrible!  I'm shocked at the difference between day 1 and day 2.  Sure, I'm still out of breath and my heart is thumping... but it's like I actually woke my body up and said "No, seriously.  We're doing this.  Pull it together."  Bring it on Jillian!

Day 3

I had to do this workout after the girls went to bed tonight, instead of the morning like I've done the last two days.  And since I went through most of the day with my boob and arm muscles barely screaming at me, I decided to add the weights.  That's right, I was doing the strength training solely with the weight of my own arms!  I hated the weights.  It made me want to cry.  It made me sweat like a pig and it was gross.  I reaffirm my Facebook status from yesterday... I would rather eat chicken wings and bacon than work out.  I am obviously not one of those people that feel fantastic after a good workout.  I feel satisfied... in a "yay, you actually did it, you lazy ass" kind of way. And I feel like chicken wings... as a reward for my workout.  Being healthy sucks.

Day 4

I'm super cranky and I hate it.  I don't wanna do this anymore.  I quit half-way through tonight.  Blech.

Day 5

It's Superbowl Sunday.  So I took a much needed break.  I also indulged in chicken wings and fried pepperoni.  Jillian would be so proud! :)

Day 6

Back at it... felt kinda good, but Lord liftin' am I tired!!!  It took everything in me to convince myself to work out.  I just wanted to sleep.  This working out at night thing isn't really working out for me, but since I head back to work in 2 weeks, I better get used to it!

Day 7

I skipped it again... shhhhhhh!

Day 8

Okay, so today actually felt good.  But don't tell Jillian that, because I'm pretty sure I vowed to hate her for all eternity!  I actually did 2 full sets of pushups without having to stop.  The cardio doesn't make me cry anymore, and the abs... well they still kill me, but that's a good thing I suppose! :)


Day 9

Yup, felt okay again.  I feel like I can actually keep up, and I'm starting to *gasp* enjoy it.  Okay, that's stretching it a bit... but I'm not nearly as bitchy about having to do it! :)

Day 10

This is it... the end of the Level 1.  I think this whole 3 level thing is a set-up.  I can do the 30 minutes now without cursing or swearing or wanting to murder Gillian... and tomorrow I have to start all over with something new, and I presume, more difficult.  Let the cursing resume! :)

Teaching them to love...

While I was browsing Pinterest the other day, I came across something that caught my eye...

Girls don't just simply decide to hate their bodies,

we teach them to.

This quote cannot be any truer.  It's kind of a given in society for a woman to hate her body.  If not all of it, at least something.  My ankles are too fat, my hair is too curly, my stomach is too flabby, my butt is too small, my thighs are too big, my boobs are too tiny.  I don't think I have ever heard a single woman say "I'm happy with my body, just the way it is."

What is wrong with us?!  Why do we not see the beauty that is being a woman?  Why can we not accept our bodies the way they are, and love them?  And why, dear lord, do we feel the need to pass this self-deprecating behaviour onto our impressionable young girls??  Even if we don't do it deliberately, talking badly about ourselves is something they must hear every day.  Lord knows we do it in front of them often enough.  And if that behaviour is something they see as "normal," well of course they are going to grow up looking for things about themselves that they are not happy with.

It would never occur to a mother to ever say to her daughter "you sure are pretty, but you really need to start running before those turn into thunder thighs."  Yet we say the same things about ourselves all the time!

How often has your significant other said to you, "you sure look beautiful today," and you've responded with "thanks, but..."  But what?  But my hair is a mess today?  But I feel really fat in these jeans?  But I wish my belly didn't stick out as far?  I've done it so many times!  It's like we feel the constant need to remind ourselves that we're not perfect!

So many times the girls have been doing super cute things and I yell for Danny to grab the camera.  And then I say, "wait, I'll take the picture so I don't have to be in it."  Really?!?  I don't want to be in a picture with my own children because I'm afraid of what I may look like?  And I say this in front of my daughters??  Oh my... 

Some day, Gracie and Ella are going to to be 13-year old beauties.  And they're going to be learning about boys, learning about make-up, learning about highschool, and the worst of all... learning that they're not supposed to like themselves.  And they will be learning this, despite the fact that I will tell them both every single day how beautiful they are.  They will be learning this because the majority of women in their lives will inadvertently pass that message on to them.  

Life as a woman is hard.  Girls can be nasty to each other!  Some of the worst moments in my high school life came from the other girls, some of them my "friends" even.  Girls are so hard on each other that we surely don't need to be hard on ourselves.  The girls will have enough challenges to face, without inheriting insecurity and hatred for their own bodies.

So in the mornings when I'm putting my makeup on and Gracie joins me in the bathroom and asks for some, I'll take the time to teach her a lesson... "Gracie, you are so pretty.  And isn't mommy pretty too?"  And as weird as that feels, as wrong as it feels, at least she'll see that it's okay to like yourself!  It's okay to think you look pretty.   When Danny says, "Sammy, you look beautiful today."  I'll say "thank you!" and smile.  That's it.  No more buts!  I'll teach the girls that it's okay to accept a compliment without pointing out your faults. 

It's a sad thought that we teach our girls to hate their own bodies... but it's so very true.  And with enough worries in this world for little girls, with so much stress for teenage girls, with so much hatred already in the world for women to deal with, I think I owe it to my daughters to teach them to love.  Not just each other and those around them, but most importantly... themselves!!