La Vacation!

Know what today is?  My last day of work before... vacation!!!  I'm a little excited.  Okay, a LOT excited!  I came back to work after having Ella when she was six months old.  She's now 13 months old, and with the exception of a week off in April when I was dealing with a really shitty illness, I've only had an odd day off here and there.  So I'm thrilled to be having 10 1/2 whole days off!

Work has been incredibly busy and hectic for me this summer, so vacation kind of snuck up on me.  And you know what, I liked it that way!  Just this past weekend I said to Danny, "Oh my God!  We're on vacation next week!  What are we going to do?!"  He didn't realize how quickly vacation time had snuck up either, because he had forgotten to put his leave pass in at work!  Good thing he was able to get the time off anyway!

We talked about what our plans should be.  Should we take the kids to Upper Clements... that would be hard with Ella being so young, and being incredibly cranky if she misses her afternoon nap.  Should we take day trips to the south shore, so Ella can sleep in the car?  Then one of us (I can't even remember which one) said, "Wouldn't it be nice to go to Halifax for a couple of days, just the two of us?"  And that was it... the seed of getting-away-without-the-children was planted.  But who would watch the girls?  My parents are off galavanting across the country to see my brother in Petawawa.  Which left us with two options... my sister, and our babysitter Nancy.  I was debating which one to ask first.  If it was my sister, that would mean she would have to pack up and go to our house for two days, since her place isn't exactly set up for two under three!  I played it back and forth in my mind, still not completely convinced that going away for two days was really necessary, especially without the girls!

On Monday, I arrived at Nancy's house and as soon as we got out of the car, she said, "I missed the girls this weekend!  I was going to call and ask to steal them for a sleepover, but I thought that would make me look a little crazy."  Wait, what?  You wanted them for a sleepover?? Could it be... fate?? 

"Well..." I said, "about that."  Nancy's eyes lit up! "Danny and I were thinking about heading to Halifax next week for two nights." "YES!' Nancy said.  She didn't even need me to finish the sentence... that was it, the deal was made!  Before I had time to realize what had just happened, I had committed myself to a three-day/two-night vacation in Halifax... without any kids!

I got back in the car, and endured a slight moment of panic before euphoria set in!  Holy shit, Danny and I were going away.  Without kids.  Not just for one night, but for two!!  Holy shit. Holy Shit. HOLY SHIT!  I was beyond excited!  As soon as I got to work, I texted Danny and told him we were free to have our little get-away.  He responded with equal enthusiasm, "awesome."  Okay, so you have to know Danny to know that's pretty enthusiastic of him!

I started looking up hotels and quickly realized that not only were we getting away for a couple of days, we were going to pay a month's mortgage to do it.  Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit.  Oh well, it's the first time in nearly three years that we've been away, so we might as well splurge (though we are taking donations, if anybody is interested!).

I know exactly how the two days are going to play out.  We're going to drop the kids off at Nancy's next Tuesday.  They will completely ignore us as we try to give goodbye hugs and kisses, because let's be honest... they wont even know we're gone!  We'll drive to Halifax, have lunch somewhere amazing (probably the poutinerie... do you know they sell poutine smothered in bacon!!!!!), check into the hotel, and collapse onto our king-size bed and marvel at the space and silence in the room. Then we'll probably fall asleep and waste the rest of the evening dreaming about our kids and the life we left behind.

The next morning we'll sleep in.  Well, I wont exactly sleep in, but there's no way in hell I'm getting up at 5:30!  But knowing my mommy-trained body, I will wake up by 7:00 at the latest, where I will toss and turn until finally deciding to wake Danny up around 8:30 or 9:00, to which he'll exclaim "Sammy, we're supposed to be sleeping in!!"   My only plans for our two days is to get out and enjoy the sun, and eat.  I love food.  I love food so much, I could probably spend the whole two days bouncing from restaurant to restaurant, until I've tried a little bit of everything.  We might see a movie.  Oooh... maybe even a late show!  Maybe we'll even stay out until midnight... or later!!  The possibilities are endless!

And when the two days are over, we will drive home and stop at Nancy's to pick up the girls.  They will greet us like they always do... Gracie will run across the lawn with her arms wide open screaming "Mommy!!  Daddy!" and Ella will point and scream as loud as she can "Da-da-da-da-da-da!!"  We'll hug them and Gracie will tell us how much she missed us.  We'll present them with the presents that we surely are going to buy for them, then we'll head home.  Gracie and Ella will get in a screaming match over a toy, Charlie will pee on the floor with excitement, Ella will dump her supper on the floor, Gracie will knock over her milk at least twice during supper, Ella will have a gigantic poop that seeps up to her ears, Gracie will say "mommy" at least 300 times, Ella will trip over her own feet no less than a dozen times, and Gracie will cry when it's time for bed.  There will be no doubt in our minds that our vacation is over and we're back to our normal lives... but, ahh, what a sweet little life it is!

A Public Embarrassment...

Well we've finally reached that age... the age where Gracie embarrasses us in public.  I knew it was coming, but I wasn't prepared.  It seemed like it came out of nowhere!  One day she was our sweet little girl, the one who strangers smiled at and "ooohed" and "awwwed" over.  The next day, strangers looked at us with sympathy, and a little twinkle in their eye because they wanted to laugh out loud at us, but knew that they shouldn't!

Looking back, I guess I should have seen the signs.  It probably started the day I picked her up at Nancy's... I picked her up to give her a big hug and she farted.  She laughed and laughed, and said "Mommy, I farted on your arm!"  I told her that was gross, so she squeezed out another one, twice as loud!  "I farted, I farted, and pee-ewww!  That stinks!"  The other parents all giggled.

Last week we were out for supper and while we were waiting for our food, an older lady with gray hair sat at a table behind us.  Gracie stared at her for a while and then turned around and whispered something.  I couldn't make out what she said so I asked her to speak up (my mistake!).  "That lady's a witch mommy!  She's a witch!  A witch!  A WITCH!!!"  The lady just stared at us, and I stared at Gracie with my mouth open.  Danny looked at me and said "What did she say?"  Gracie heard him ask, so she repeated herself, loudly.  I told Gracie, "That's not a witch, it's just a lady." but she wouldn't believe me!

Last night we went swimming with Gracie's bestest friend, Jayden.  Jayden is so sweet and loving, and always greets Gracie so excitedly.  Gracie just covers her face and pretends Jayden doesn't exist.  That's embarrassing enough for me!  But when we were in the pool, Gracie and Jayden were throwing a ball back and forth.  Ella was sitting on the edge of the pool with Jayden's mom, and screeched at Gracie.  So Gracie yelled at her, "Ella, you're such a shithead!"  Jayden's mom looked more than a little surprised by the language, and I just shook my head and took Gracie aside for a little discussion about name calling (and swearing).  I swear, we don't teach her to curse like that, she just picks it up from her horrible mother and spits it back out when we least expect it!

A little while later I noticed Gracie hunched over in the shallow end of the pool.  "What are you doing, Gracie?" I asked.  "Playing with my bird!" Not the answer I was expecting.  And yet, loud enough for lots of people to hear!  And yes, ladies and gentleman, we use "bird" instead of "vagina" because vagina is just not a word I want to hear come out of my toddler's mouth.  Let the scarring and therapy sessions begin! 

So apparenly my daughter has no filter.  At least that's what I've started to learn over the past couple of weeks.  Whatever is on her mind, comes out of her mouth.  I have to be prepared for this from now on... as she learns more words and becomes more aware of people around her, I'm sure the things she screams will only become more embarrassing.  I plan to keep a record of everything she says that embarrasses me so that when she's a teenager, I can use them on her!  I can't wait til I drop her off at a friend's house and she turns to me and say, "Mom.  What are you doing?" And I can just imagine the expression on her face when I yell back, "Playing with my bird!"

My Body is a Wonderland

After having two kids in less than two years, I have discovered that my body is a wonderland.  Your body can do amazing things, like carry and birth a baby!  Your organs move out of the way to make room for growing a baby, your blood volume increases to support the new life, your body knows exactly what to do to get the baby out.  It truly is a wonderland!

Now that it's been over a year since I've had Ella, and two-and-a-half since Gracie, know what else my body is?  A wasteland.  Okay, maybe not quite as bad as a wasteland... but it sure aint all wonderful!

After I had Gracie, my body pretty much returned to normal pretty quickly (yeah, yeah - haters gon' hate!).  But apparently baby number two made it a little more difficult for things to go back.  The first time my body was all like "Whoa, that was neat! Now, back at it!"   The second time, it was more like "Okay, you did it to me again.  Screw you." 

The first thing I noticed was the fact that my boobs just didn't get quite as big as they did with Gracie.  If there's a bonus to being pregnant, it's the ginormous ta-tas that come with it.  But alas, my boobies boycotted and refused to grow to their potential.  Know what else they did?  After I finished using them for their nutritional purpose, they got shy and went away.  Far, far away.  Like miniscule little 12-year old boobies.  Like double-A, training bra boobies.  What the hell body?!

Also, my hair fell out.  Of course, this is normal for most ladies post-baby.  Your hair stops falling out while you're pregnant, and then feels the need to catch up with all the non-falling-out it did during those 9-10 months and you start shedding like a dog in the spring.  I'm talking huge handfuls of hair.  I'm talking pretty sure I was going to end up bald handfuls of hair.  I'm talking 5 months of excessive shedding.  You know what all that shedding leads to? A clogged bathtub, for starters.  But it also leads to new hairs growing in... or in my case, growing out.  Straight out.  All the way around my face.  My  new "bangs" stood straight out from my face like I was wearing that crown the Statue of Liberty wears.  It took them three months to grow long enough to weigh themselves down into normal hair position, and another two months after that before they grew long enough that I could pin them out of my face.  Yep, that hair falling out... it's beautiful.

This one is for all you women (and men, really) who have never been pregnant.  If there is one thing you should never, ever take for granted, it's the ability to not pee your pants whenever you sneeze, laugh, cough, or do jumping jacks.  That's right ladies and gentleman, coughing makes me pee in my panties.  I can point out a mother a mile away, purely by the fact that while she's standing in the grocery aisle coughing, her legs are crossed.  Also, many of the exercises that are supposed to get you back into pre-baby shape involve a lot of bouncing.  Bouncing equals peeing in my panties.  It didn't happen after Gracie, so if you have one kid and you're pointing and laughing... wait for it!  You'll wet yourself after that second kid beats the crap out of your bladder too!

Did you know that having a baby involves your stomach muscles stretching to the point where you look like you swallowed a whole watermelon?  Did you know that after that baby comes out your tummy retains its familiarity with the watermelon shape?  Did you know that eating the tiniest amount of food now makes me look five months pregnant?  It's my post-baby baby belly.  We call them food babies.  I can be having the skinniest day, where I wear my sexiest clingiest dress (just kidding, I don't own one), and I look fantabulous.  And then I put food in my stomach and my belly goes "ooh, I know how to make room for that, let me grow outwards 6 inches!"  It's very nice of my belly to make extra room... but it's really too bad my pants dont make the same consideration!  Also, as a side note:  Once you are of child-bearing age, it seems to be a habit of people to watch your middle for any sign of a baby bump (hello, poor Kate Middleton!).  I see you there, pointing and whispering "is that a baby in there?"  NOPE! I just ate a cheeseburger people!

Now here's the part where I say, "but it's all worth it, because I have two beautiful girls who have made all the difference in my world!" Yeah, yeah.  That's all true.  But I'm not going to lie, there are days when the girls are acting like toddlers act, screaming, and crying, and just being little shitheads, and I can't help but think, "I pee my pants, for this?!"