The Most Natural Thing...

Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world!  At least, that's what we're told by basically every breastfeeding advocate out there - doctors, nurses, other breastfeeding mothers, complete strangers.  And for some people, I'm sure it is!  But here's my opinion...

There is nothing natural about having a tiny little person suck on a part of my body that is, by nature, extremely sensitive, to the point where it cracks, bleeds, and blisters.  There is nothing natural about trying to grasp this flimsy little person by the head (without breaking its neck), positioning him or her into some sort of football hold, sliding them up, under, around, or behind clothing, all while trying to avoid exposing yourself to the general population.  There is nothing natural about spraying milk up your baby's nose, into your own belly button, or halfway across the room.  When having trouble breastfeeding, there is also nothing natural about hooking your boobs up to a mechanical device that pumps you dry (ask the cows, they'll tell you!!).

So... why do I do it?  Because it's good for my babies... and because I'm terribly stubborn.  I totally understand why some people automatically start formula feeding their babies.  Trust me!  With Gracie, the nurse came to visit me when she was 4 days old, took one look at my baby feeders and said, "Whoa.  You need to stop feeding for a while.  Try pumping for a few days to let those heal."  To be fair, that was all Gracie's fault... she had a terrible latch (which brings me to another point, shouldn't something so "natural" come, oh I don't know, naturally to these babies??).

After pumping for weeks, breastfeeding when possible, and spending countless hours with lactation consultants, nurses, and other mommy breastfeeders, we finally got the latch fixed.  Which means my problems should have been over! Except that I developed a lovely thrush infection (which Gracie was able to avoid because she was almost exclusively eating by bottle).  It took 2 different prescriptions, a liquid that turns your nipples purple, a couple of natural remedies, and six (SIX!!!!) weeks to cure it.  For those of you who don't know what a thrush infection feels like, it's basically like a hot coal poker being stabbed into your breast every time you feed your baby.  It's excruciatingly painful!  So after that, my problems should have been cured as well... except by then, I had been back to the doctor, who recommended a low-hormone birth control, which diminished my milk supply to the point that I had to start pumping every 2-3 hours (regardless of the fact that by now Gracie was eating every 5-6), which didn't work, by the way.  I cried almost every day for the first 3 weeks of Gracie's life, struggling to keep going, when everything in me was telling (screaming at me) me to stop.  Poor Danny spent more time trying to get me to stop crying than he did our infant child.

At around three months, I ended up having to supplement with formula.  I bawled the day it happened.  I emailed my public health nurse, begging her for more options so that I wouldn't have to expose my baby to the horrors of *gasp* formula!  I cried to Danny, telling him how much of a failure I was for not being able to do what was so "natural" well enough to feed my baby.  I cried a lot.  Because everything, and almost everyone, puts so much pressure on new moms to breastfeed exclusively.

They say breast is best.  Breastfeeding reduces the risk of SIDS.  Breastfeeding makes for a healthier immune system in babies.  Breastfeeding does this super thing, and that super thing.  And that's all true.  But what does a failure of a breastfeeding mom hear?  She hears:  Formula is worst.  Formula increases the risk of SIDS.  Formula wont keep your baby healthy.  Formula is this bad thing, and that bad thing.  I'm sure that all of that is extremely exaggerated granules of truth... but to a mother struggling, all of those things nag at you every time you feed your baby formula.

I had a lot of support in my struggles with breastfeeding.  If I didn't, I probably would have given in the first time a nipple cracked.  My support system were not the people telling me how horrible it would be to give up, they were not the annoying little voice in my head telling me how bad formula was.  They were 100% there for me, to help when I needed it, or to support me if I finally decided to give up.  They were fantastic!

Society in general now, I think, is the force behind all of this pressure on new moms.  I know how important it is to educate people on the importance of breastfeeding, on the benefits of it.  I know how important it is to have proper encouragement for new moms, and to increase our rate of breastfeeding mothers.  But as a new mother, and after having spoken to many other new moms, we all agreed on one thing... all of that "encouragement" and "education" from the general public made us feel like failures if we weren't able to do it.    I have actually had complete strangers ask me if I breastfeed, followed with "oh good, breast is best" when I said yes.  What would they have said to me if I said no.  And for that matter, what business is it of theirs what I feed my baby?  The people telling me to "just give up already, and give her formula" weren't helpful at all either!  I didn't want to give Gracie formula, I wanted to breastfeed! 

I find mothers and women can be some of the most judgemental and harshest critics of other mothers and women.  It seems many mothers seem to know what's best for themselves and others, and have an opinion about everything, regardless of each individuals' own personal experience.

I'm breastfeeding Ella as well.  It's going much better than with Gracie.  However, all of the trouble I had with Gracie led to a "diagnosis" of extreme sensitivity.  Basically, that means that no matter how good the latch or how perfect breastfeeding is going, I will always find breastfeeding extremely painful.  I extremely dislike breastfeeding.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think "forumla feeding would be so much easier."  But, as previously mentioned, I'm stubborn!  I refuse to give up.  If I made it through my Gracie experience, I'm sure as hell not giving up this time!  Breastmilk is best.   I am reducing her risk of SIDS.  I can feed her no matter where I am. I don't have to worry about heating up formula.  And (one of the biggest factors for us), breastfeeding is free.  However, for any moms out there struggling under the pressure from society to breastfeed, please don't be fooled by the "naturalness" of breastfeeding.  For many people, there is nothing natural about breastfeeding, and there is nothing un-natural about forumla feeding.

I know the pressure and guilt that comes with trying to do something that sometimes feels so un-natural!  Please, breastfeed for the right reasons... because it's what best for baby and you.

Back home, and getting back to normal...

Well it's been a couple of weeks since the last time I wrote anything... I guess being away has really thrown us all off our schedules!  Life after a new baby is always crazy, but throw in a 36-hour, 1700 km trip (each way!), and two weeks "vacation," and you realize that crazy doesn't even begin to describe it!

The trip itself was pretty good.  Danny's dad got married, and we got to see all kinds of family that we haven't seen since our own wedding 3 years ago!  Gracie loved the island, and got to experience all sorts of true "Newfoundland" things.  She had moose stew, turr (basically a seagull, if you ask me!), went cod fishing, and got to see a caribou!  And she loved almost every minute of it.  She wasn't quite herself for a few days, not only after travelling without sleep for two days, but after 100 loveable Newfies tried to pick her up, kiss her, hug her, and talk to her.  Gracie is a very outgoing little girl, except when she first meets someone.  She takes time to warm up to new people, and she was NOT impressed with all of the strangers.  By the end of the vacation, though, she was much better!

Now we're home and settling back into our routine.  Gracie is back to her normal self, mom is all caught up on her sleep, Ella is still pooping, eating, and sleeping, and dad is back to work.  It almost seems like we're starting our life as a family of 4 from scratch now.  This is the first that we've been alone, and Ella is a month old!  It's craaaazy!  

Ella is a fantastic baby.  She cries less than Gracie did, which seems impossible since Gracie rarely cried!  She doesn't sleep quite as well as Gracie, she does get up once through the night to eat (shocker, I know!), but all-in-all, I can't complain!  She has the same belly issues that Gracie had at night time, between 8 and 9. I call it "witching hour."  But since she's already a month old, she should be outgrowing that soon too!  Now if we can just get this sleep thing mastered, I will be living the perfect life!

I've officially started my role as stay-at-home-mom.  Before now, we've been on vacation.  Now that Danny is back to work, and it's just me and the girlies, I can officially adopt that title.  So far, I'm doing amazing (if I can say so).  On Friday, we baked a cake and iced it (from scratch!!), I have my menu for the week planned, the grocery shopping is done, and the house is still clean (even after being home for a full week).  I don't know how long that will last, check back next week! :)

Yesterday I took the girls to church, just me and them.  Ella slept through most of it, and Gracie has been going since she was 4 weeks old, so it was the same old business for her.  I was a little afraid to go myself, with two little girls, but it went so smoothly!  I've been going to the church since I moved here when I was 6, and I have been sitting in the exact same seat since that time too... second pew from the front!  Earlier this year they replaced the pews with chairs, and I felt a little sad... like I should be able to take my pew home with me!  After 20 years, I'm sure the pew was perfectly molded to my bottom!

Ella is growing so big!  We go for her one-month checkup on Thursday (and Gracie's 18-month needles, eeek!) and I'm excited to see how much she weighs!  She is a very strong little girl, and tries to hold her head up all the time.  She is also very smiley!  Every time Danny speaks to her, she breaks into the biggest grins, and I can usually get them out of her too!  It's so nice to have a second happy baby!  She's starting to coo too, and nothing is better than those first little sounds!  I've been looking back at Gracie's baby pictures so I can remember what milestones come when, and I'm so excited to watch Ella grow up.  I'm not one of those mothers that want her kids to stay little forever... I love watching all the new things they can do, I love watching them grow and develop.  I love them getting big, because for every milestone and new thing they learn, it means we've done something right! :)

Well... this blog was allll over the place!  I guess that's what happens when someone who talks all the time is quiet for 2 weeks!  Time to get my thoughts back on track, and get this writing under control! :)

Oh... what a trip!

On Friday morning, we got up bright and early and began our two-day trek to Newfoundland.  It was 36 hours before we arrived at our destination, and we learned a lot on our travels!  Let me share with you some of our new-found wisdom!

1.  Just because it is 5 am when you wake up the babies, it doesn't mean they will go back to sleep

We learned this very quickly... despite our efforts to keep Gracie in the dark and quiet, once we were in the car, she was wide awake!  She had a blanket, and her bear, and yet that little girl would not go back to sleep.  So we started her day 2 1/2 hours earlier than usual.  Not a great way to start a trip, in hindsight! :)

Gracie ready for the trip... crackers, blanket, pajamas, bear!

2.  Your eagerness to hear that first word way back when... you will learn to hate it!

I never thought hearing a word would send shivers down my spine as much as the word "mommy" did by the end of hour 3.  One year ago, I remember hearing that word and thinking, "I love it, it will never get old."  Little did I know that hearing the word over and over and over again over the course of a 2-day trip would make me want to deafen myself with screwdrivers.  I know that sounds dramatic, and those of you who have yet to travel with a toddler (who cannot be reasoned with, by the way), will probably think I'm horrible for saying that.  But please... take my word for it.  Nobody will still love that word after hearing it like we did for two days.  Ever seen that episode of Family guy?  Here it is, for your viewing pleasure... and trust me, it's EXACTLY like this... that look on Lois' face, totally me! :)

3.  Learn the lyrics to as many different songs as possible... BEFORE leaving on the trip!

You know what word I hate more than "mommy"?  That would be "siiiiing."  Gracie loves to sing.  And by sing, I mean listen to other people sing!  And she gets very demanding when it comes to singing.  She demands it over breakfast, while you're putting on her shoes, while you're sitting on the couch, and, apparently, while you're driving to Newfoundland.  It was a good way to keep her quiet at first (and to stop all the "mommy"s).  Except that after an hour of singing the same 4 songs over and over again, I got tired and didn't want to do it anymore.  And she didn't like that!  She is also very particular about her songs... she knows what she wants to hear and when you start to sing something she doesn't like she cuts you off with a very firm "Nooooo!"  We sang Old MacDonald half a million times, along with Skinamarinky Doo, This Old Man, and our very own made-up song, "Gracie is a cranky butt," which she loves by the way.  When we sing it now, we stop at cranky, and she happily chimes in with "butt!"

4.  You cannot reason with a toddler

I think I already mentioned this a little... and it seems like common sense.  I mean, I already knew this before we left, but I was reminded very quickly halfway through day 2 when Gracie dropped her baby on the floor and I couldn't reach it for her.  She wanted it.  And she wanted it right now.  So no matter how many times I tried to explain to her that mommy couldn't reach her baby and she would get it at the next stop, Gracie just screamed and cried.  And of course, that made mommy explain it even louder, and with a little less patience. And soon, we were both very unhappy and on the verge of tears.  Which leads me to the next lesson...

5.  Tantrums can be thrown by anybody

I'm not gonna lie... I had some not-so-stellar mommy moments during the trip.  For the most part, Danny and I were both very patient and we were well prepared to handle the crankiest of children.  But any mother can, and will, breakdown after 24 hours without more than an hour or two of sleep and a screaming child in the back seat of a car.  At the beginning of day two, I even calmly explained to Danny that Gracie was terribly sleep deprived, having not napped at all the day before and going to bed super late, and that we would have to be extra patient since it wouldn't be her fault if she couldn't control herself.  I explained that all to him, and yet, after a meltdown of ginormous proportions by Gracie 5 minutes outside of Deer Lake, mommy threw her own tantrum in answer to Gracie's.  It wasn't pretty.  I wasn't proud.  And when we stopped the car, Danny took Gracie out, got her some snacks, and let mommy have a good 2-minute cry in the front seat.   Tantrums will happen.  And you will be surprised when you're the one throwing them.

Gracie in Deer Lake with the "misssss"

6.  Poop Happens

Duh.  Two kids in diapers, and poop is bound to happen.  But of all the days for poop, our two lovely children decided to pick the days when travelling in a cooped up space and on a ferry full of people.  They were poonamis.  Like tsunami... except with poop.  We went threw all the spare outfits I had packed in the diaper bag for Ella, and she spent day 2 in nothing but her diaper.  Gracie also decided to fill her shorts a few times... and I'd like to thank Grampy Fillmore for the wonderful idea of filling her full of corn on the cob the day before we left :)

7.  Nap time does not exist whilst on vacation

Not for babies, not for mommies, and not for daddies.  Ella was the exception.  She slept basically the entire trip.  Gracie would not sleep.  In fact, she screamed for 45 minutes on the boat while we tried to get her comfortable enough to fall asleep.  Yep, we were those passengers... the ones with the screaming kid.  And I was only slightly embarrassed... mostly because I was too tired to care.  Mommy didn't get her nap either.  Halfway through day 2 though, Gracie fell asleep.  Let me tell you that "bliss" does not even begin to describe how we felt in that hour when the car was silent and Danny and I could have a whole uninterrupted conversation. :)  I thought she would feel better when she woke up... nope!  Apparently, catching up on an hour's sleep when you are 7 hours behind just makes you crankier! :)

Well... that's all I can think of right now.  Mostly because I have yet to catch up on my sleep and my brain is still a little fuzzy.  I'm sure there were more lessons, and I'm sure we'll learn even more on the drive home.  But for now, Gracie is in bed, Ella is spending time with Nan and Pop Ford, and mommy is going to bed early to catch up on some sleep! :)