My Body is a Wonderland

After having two kids in less than two years, I have discovered that my body is a wonderland.  Your body can do amazing things, like carry and birth a baby!  Your organs move out of the way to make room for growing a baby, your blood volume increases to support the new life, your body knows exactly what to do to get the baby out.  It truly is a wonderland!

Now that it's been over a year since I've had Ella, and two-and-a-half since Gracie, know what else my body is?  A wasteland.  Okay, maybe not quite as bad as a wasteland... but it sure aint all wonderful!

After I had Gracie, my body pretty much returned to normal pretty quickly (yeah, yeah - haters gon' hate!).  But apparently baby number two made it a little more difficult for things to go back.  The first time my body was all like "Whoa, that was neat! Now, back at it!"   The second time, it was more like "Okay, you did it to me again.  Screw you." 

The first thing I noticed was the fact that my boobs just didn't get quite as big as they did with Gracie.  If there's a bonus to being pregnant, it's the ginormous ta-tas that come with it.  But alas, my boobies boycotted and refused to grow to their potential.  Know what else they did?  After I finished using them for their nutritional purpose, they got shy and went away.  Far, far away.  Like miniscule little 12-year old boobies.  Like double-A, training bra boobies.  What the hell body?!

Also, my hair fell out.  Of course, this is normal for most ladies post-baby.  Your hair stops falling out while you're pregnant, and then feels the need to catch up with all the non-falling-out it did during those 9-10 months and you start shedding like a dog in the spring.  I'm talking huge handfuls of hair.  I'm talking pretty sure I was going to end up bald handfuls of hair.  I'm talking 5 months of excessive shedding.  You know what all that shedding leads to? A clogged bathtub, for starters.  But it also leads to new hairs growing in... or in my case, growing out.  Straight out.  All the way around my face.  My  new "bangs" stood straight out from my face like I was wearing that crown the Statue of Liberty wears.  It took them three months to grow long enough to weigh themselves down into normal hair position, and another two months after that before they grew long enough that I could pin them out of my face.  Yep, that hair falling out... it's beautiful.

This one is for all you women (and men, really) who have never been pregnant.  If there is one thing you should never, ever take for granted, it's the ability to not pee your pants whenever you sneeze, laugh, cough, or do jumping jacks.  That's right ladies and gentleman, coughing makes me pee in my panties.  I can point out a mother a mile away, purely by the fact that while she's standing in the grocery aisle coughing, her legs are crossed.  Also, many of the exercises that are supposed to get you back into pre-baby shape involve a lot of bouncing.  Bouncing equals peeing in my panties.  It didn't happen after Gracie, so if you have one kid and you're pointing and laughing... wait for it!  You'll wet yourself after that second kid beats the crap out of your bladder too!

Did you know that having a baby involves your stomach muscles stretching to the point where you look like you swallowed a whole watermelon?  Did you know that after that baby comes out your tummy retains its familiarity with the watermelon shape?  Did you know that eating the tiniest amount of food now makes me look five months pregnant?  It's my post-baby baby belly.  We call them food babies.  I can be having the skinniest day, where I wear my sexiest clingiest dress (just kidding, I don't own one), and I look fantabulous.  And then I put food in my stomach and my belly goes "ooh, I know how to make room for that, let me grow outwards 6 inches!"  It's very nice of my belly to make extra room... but it's really too bad my pants dont make the same consideration!  Also, as a side note:  Once you are of child-bearing age, it seems to be a habit of people to watch your middle for any sign of a baby bump (hello, poor Kate Middleton!).  I see you there, pointing and whispering "is that a baby in there?"  NOPE! I just ate a cheeseburger people!

Now here's the part where I say, "but it's all worth it, because I have two beautiful girls who have made all the difference in my world!" Yeah, yeah.  That's all true.  But I'm not going to lie, there are days when the girls are acting like toddlers act, screaming, and crying, and just being little shitheads, and I can't help but think, "I pee my pants, for this?!"