So I'm not so tough...

Danny, that wonderful husband of mine, has been following this blog.  The first time he read it, he said "I like it... make sure you only say nice things about me."  Last night he said, "I like it... but you act so tough.  That's not the way you really are."  He thinks I should tell people the truth about myself.  So I guess it's time to come clean...

For those who really know me, this wont be a big surprise... I'm not as tough as I act.  To everyday people, I'm a take-charge kind of person.  I stand up for myself and others, I'm outspoken, and am usually the leader-type.  My career and extra-curricular activities have me making decisions all day, and I'm forever running around, organizing things, returning phone calls, checking in, checking up, and so on.

When Danny and I are out together, everybody assumes I'm the pants-wearing wife.  Not because I'm bossy to him (I hope), but because he's a little... quiet.  I think it's more that people assume that Danny is shy, and quiet, and doesn't haven't much to say (which isn't true, by the way... see my second entry, where his pants come off).  So it leaves me with the other role.  And it's not as if I'm really lying... that is who I am... on the outside. 

But at home, it's a different story.  I can be very quiet, sensitive, alright I'll say it... emotional.  Not in a screaming, throwing objects sort of way (usually), but more of an "I'll cry if you get mad at me and please don't ask me to make any decisions" sort of way.   I'm very sensitive... usually to a fault, and 100% worse when I'm pregnant.  I don't have strong opinions about many things at home, and am usually so worn out from making decisions and being a take-charge person in my "outside" life that something as simple as asking me what I want to eat can be an hours-long decision making process.  I'd rather leave that stuff up to Danny to decide. 

We have this round and round discussion all the time.  "Danny, I'm hungry."  "What do you want?"  "I don't know, you decide for me."  "But Sammy, you're the one who's hungry."  "But I don't know what I want."  "Well just tell me, and I'll get it for you."  "I don't knooooooooow!!  Just forget it."  And then, 20 minutes later... "Danny, I'm hungry."  Re-reading that conversation kind of makes me laugh, nothing like being a pain in the ass! :)  But at the time that it's going on, all I'm really thinking is "Oh my lord, I'm so hungry, I wish Danny would just bring me some food... anything, anything at all... except if I don't like it, or am not really in the mood for it."  Okay... so maybe that private conversation is a little unreasonable too!

So I think you can see a little why Danny would say, "that's not who you really are."  Most people see my "outside" self.  Danny sees me as the woman who, after Gracie is in bed, just wants to snuggle on the couch and let someone else take care of her.  Someone who, when she's pregnant (and only then, I swear), will cry when Danny gets frustrated at her because she really doesn't mean to be annoying and sensitive, it's just the way she is.  Danny, god love him, usually laughs at me when I burst into horomone tears, gives me a hug, and tells me he's not really mad at me... but seriously what do I want to eat.

I actually kind of like having the two different me's.  I think most people have two different versions of themselves... it doesn't make one you less real than the other, it's just your "outside" and "inside" you.  Not many people get to see the "real" me, as Danny puts it, and I think it's what keeps us together and going strong.  Not everybody should get to see every part of you.  You save the weak, vulnerable, not-so-tough, side for the ones who matter most... the one who will take care of you, and love you even when you're crying because somebody drank the last of the milk and that's what I really, really want right now.  Not that that has ever happened.  I swear.