One of my best friends is pregnant, which is fantastic news for me! I mean, I'm sure it's great news for her too, except for the fact that the little parasite growing inside of her is making her barf all over the place... but for me, it's truly awesome. Because as any other mother will tell you, no matter how many times you say "I'm done," there is always a little nagging voice in your head that says, "Oh, come on! Just one more!!" And you don't really listen to it, except that you walk past a cute little baby in the grocery store, and your heart goes "screeeeeee!" and you want one. Now I don't have to have one. Because I can steal my friend's baby, love the crap out of it, and hand it back. I cannot, however, steal the baby of the lady in the grocery store. People frown on baby kidnapping.
So anyway, this friend of mine is all knocked up, and miserable because of the barfing, but terribly excited about her future, and the other day as we were discussing the barfing, she said "Ugh, this baby better be worth it!" Heh. Heh. Heh. Yeah, babies are totally worth it. Except when they aren't. Which is lots of the time... except they make up for and are totally worth it again. Except when they aren't, and when they don't. Which they do. Not. Sometimes. Confusing?? Yeah, welcome to the most fucked-up relationship you will ever, ever, ever be in. Parenting! But totally worth it. Mostly.
I'm a mother of three kids, which basically makes me an expert... according to the mommy blogs, anyway. So here's my sage advice, my heart-felt wisdom, and my unique experiences... I'm basically the baby whisperer, so take everything I say as gospel. Except, don't, because every baby is different, every situation is unique, and once you think you have anything figured out, you'll realize that precious gift you're currently carrying in your belly is just screwing with you for fun, and that you actually know exactly nothing. So yeah... here we go.
When your baby is born, you will feel the most amazing bond of motherhood and will love that child more than anything in this entire world, making the last 10 months (9 months is a freaking lie!!) totally worth it.
Okay, so you'll totally love the kid. But you may, or may not, feel that instant bond. Lots of mothers talk about how they cried and could hardly contain the instant love they felt. A friend told me it was like her whole soul changed and immediately revolved around the baby. Pretty amazing, right? When I finally pushed Gracie out and the nurse handed her to me, my first thoughts were pretty amazing too... "Cool. She's here. Right on!" I mean, obviously I loved her... but there were no tears, no instant soul-changing revelation. Really, I just wanted some freaking supper! And that's okay. Despite what people tell you, it's okay not to break into tears and pledge your last dying breath for your baby. If shit came down to it, trust me, you'd give your last breath. But you may not feel that right in that moment. Gracie and I had to get to know each other... she was my first child. And to be honest, I didn't know what the crap to do with her. Within days, when the shock of pushing a human out of my gitch had worn off, and we had had some time to stare into each others' eye, I totally would have jumped in front of a bus for her. But don't beat yourself up if you don't feel that the instant your baby is born. Not everyone does. But trust me, it'll come.
Breast is best. Period.
Your ta-tas hold a magical power. Breast milk. It's like liquid gold. It's a life-changing elixir with benefits rivalling the Fountain of Youth. It's totally natural, and nothing is better for your baby. Unless, of course, like me, your baby rips a nipple off while performing this "totally natural" function, you develop a thrush infection that lasts 4 months (hello, searing, burning pain in my nipples), are diagnosed with Reynauds specifically affecting your nipples (look that up, it's awesome), develop a uterine infection and are hospitalized, develop supply issues, or a million other things that may affect successfully breastfeeding. If you attempt to breastfeed, and succeed... you are amazing! If you attempt to breastfeed, and do not succeed... you are still amazing! If you decide from the very beginning not to try breastfeeding, and bottle feed your little person... still amazing!! But let me tell you the part that isn't talked about very often... it's the second option here... attempting and failing. If you want to breastfeed, and run into issues, you will feel like a failure. You will cry tears you didn't know you had, over things you didn't know bothered you. For example, I once said to Danny, through tears "But if I don't keep breastfeeding, how do I know my baby won't die of SIDS." That's right, breastfeeding can help lower the risk of SIDS, which of course, to an extremely hormonal woman means you are choosing death for your baby if you do not breastfeed. How I fed my babies was probably the thing I cried over more than anything else. It was torture for me to feed them via boobies, and it was torture for me to stop feeding them via boobies. I pumped almost exclusively for Gracie for 4 months (the thrush infection made it damn near impossible to actually put her to boob), and wrote a 2500 word email to my lactation consultant while bawling my eyes out the day I realized I had to start supplementing with formula. I felt like a failure. An absolute failure. Six days later, I realized how much easier it was to make a damn bottle out of formula, without having to attach myself to a milker, and stopped feeling bad. Felt the same guilt with babies 2 and 3, but for fewer and fewer days. How you feed your baby will cause all sorts of anxiety. But guess what, Gracie is hella smart, and that kid ate formula. So there. Feed your kid. However you do it, they will be okay!! Also, as a warning... the "bonding" you feel while breastfeeding... again, it's different for everyone. Personally, I felt a lot closer to my baby while looking her in the eye and snuggling her next to my cheek with a bottle in her mouth. The blood running out of the side of her mouth while breastfeeding made it a little creepy. Kidding. But seriously, I was much more relaxed with a bottle, and found it much easier to position them where I could creepily sniff the crap out of their heads while they ate.
Your relationship with your Husband will change.
This crap is true. For some people, they will begin to hate and resent their husbands, solely for the fact that the husband didn't have to push a 9-pound baby out of their penis. For me, I felt a deep, deep, desperate need to keep Danny close to me. I suddenly felt the need to know exactly how much he loved me, and made him tell me over and over again that he would never leave me. Hormones. They're even worse after baby's born!!! The day Danny had to go back to work, you would have sworn I was being left to care for 10 babies at the same time. I had no idea how I would manage it, I begged him not to go, and he texted all day to make sure we were alright. I was alright, by the way. But who in the hell decided to leave me with an infant only 5 days old... I had no idea what to do with it! That's what I thought anyway, and you will too. But, trust me, you'll figure it out. As for your husband, talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. And teach him right now to say these words, "It's okay. You're doing great. Of course I love you. What do you want me to make for dinner?"
The Internet is Ripe with Friendly Advice.
Like this blog, here. Totally friendly, unjudging advice. Read only this blog and nothing else. Because every other mommy advice group out there is dangerous. If you have questions at 3 in the morning about what you're doing right or wrong... save them for morning and phone a real friend. Do not... I repeat... Do. Not. Go. On. A. Mommy. Facebook. Page. Those crazy ladies be judging everything! From breastfeeding (see above, food is best - any food), to car seats (oh, sweet Jesus, the car seats!), to winter coats, to co-sleeping, to CIO (crying it out - which is evil - and totally worked for me!), to cloth diapers. Everyone has an opinion. The problem is that everyone also has a problem with everyone else's opinions. That shit gets nasty in those groups. Stay away. Stay far away. If you really need help at 2 a.m., call your mom, or text me. Only enter those mommy groups after you have 3 kids and you've learned not to give a crap what other people say about your parenting skills (hey, mine are still alive, right?!?).
Don't forget the diaper bag.
I only say this, because you will forget the diaper bag. Not on the days that you don't need the diaper bag, of course. On the days where you have a successful, uneventful trip to the grocery store, you will have your diaper bag, full of useful things like wipes and a change of clothes. However, on the day your kid decides to crap up it's own neck, into it's hairline, and through the only diaper and set of clothes you have - that'll be the day your forget the diaper bag. You'll laugh about it later... after you've washed your kid in a sink at Superstore or on the side of the road with watered-down Lysol wipes (that was me - don't judge) and have carried them home completely naked because you decided it was better to toss the whole outfit into the trash than even attempt to clean that shit. Your husband will, of course, say "Where's the diaper bag?" And you'll say, "I told you to grab it!" and he'll say, "No, I said I didn't have it and told you to grab it." And you'll both hold the baby up by it's pinky fingers and try to remove clothes that are covered in yellow, runny, poo, and after you finally get the baby cleaned up, your husband will say "Eww, what's that on your elbow, and you'll realize it's poop and you just used the last piece of paper towel in the public restroom. So... don't forget the diaper bag! (But tell me the story about when you do, after it becomes funny!)
People post the best part of their lives on Facebook
Not the worst parts. Not the crappy parts. The best parts. If you look on Facebook, you'll see baby smiles and giggles. Clean kitchens, and homemade dinners. You'll see little Billy's perfect little art project, and hear about little Maggie's ability to walk and write the alphabet at 6 months of age. You'll read about how this mama thinks that motherhood is the most amazing, life-changing experience, and how unicorns visit every night to help put her little angel to bed. Don't let these people fool you. Parenting is amazing! But only like 40% of the time. Most of the time it is hard, exhausting, dangerous, sad, and totally fucked up. But the times that it is amazing, it is sooooo amazing. The little terrors that we raise are such amazing little people that bring such joy to our lives. They can make you smile without even thinking. They are incredible. Absolutely. Just don't be fooled into thinking it's Facebook-awesome, like all the time. Remember the people like me, who share the crappier parts of parenthood that other people are afraid to talk about it. I share, because I know I cannot be the only parent whose 2-year old could use the word "fuck" fluently in a sentence. Because I cannot be the only one, who, at the end of some days, wants to drown parenthood away with a a glass of wine. Because my kids cannot be the only ones with attitudes bigger than my own, who challenge every fibre of patience, but who still say the most adorable and hilarious things.
I will forever share the crappy parts of parenting... because parents, new and experienced, like to know they're not alone when their kids are acting like shitheads. Because parenting is exhausting and challenging just as often as it is rewarding. And because it seems, these days, that everyone is so quick to judge every decision, big and small, and make us feel like failures as parents. The way I see it, if you love your kids, and do your best to raise respectful little people, then you're doing alright. And hopefully now, my friend, when things get tough in those first few weeks and months after the little puker-maker is born, you have a little something to read and laugh at, and say "Damn... she was right." Cause I usually am, you know!! :)
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