A little less wine, and a little more water...

Tonight I went out to the movies with my mom.  We saw My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.  It was pretty funny.  And really sad that the first movie came out 17 years ago. Cause now I feel old.  But the movie is not the point of this blog entry here tonight.  The point is that on my way home from dropping off my babysitter, an advertisement came on the local radio station. Now, I'm paraphrasing a tiny bit, but it went something like this...

 

"Hey moms.  There's nothing better than getting together with other moms for an evening to relax.  To remember that before dance recitals and hockey recitals, you were more than just a mom.  But there's also nothing worse than waking up the next morning with a headache while your three-year old bangs on pots and pans.  So how about next time, you drink a little less wine, and a little more water.  No judgment.  Just some friendly advice from Magic 94.9."

 

I'm sorry... what?!?  At first, I thought it was going to be a funny advertisement from a water company, like Dasani.  But, nope.  Just some friendly "non-judgmental" advice from our local radio station about how much wine I should be drinking - or not drinking, as the case may be.  Now, I don't get out much -  mostly because I'm usually 2 bottles to the wind and respect the "don't drink and drive laws" - so maybe there's a male equivalent out there in radio land somewhere.  You know, "Hey guys, I know living with an alcoholic wife is hard.  And raising kids is not the joy ride you thought it would be.  But how about instead of adding to that keg around your middle, you hit the gym.  Little less keg, little more six-pack.  No judgement.  Just some friendly advice from Magic 94.9." I dunno, maybe it's there and I just haven't heard it.

 

Now, maybe I'm only offended with this ad because I was out in public, and haven't had time to down my usual nightly bottle of vino.  But you know what I think.  I think that, maybe, the wife of someone who works in advertisement at Magic 94.9 had a little too much to drink over the weekend, and daddy had to get up with the kids.  But, I'll tell you what Magic... how much we mothers have to drink is none of your damn business.  I've got three great reasons to drink:  Gracie, Ella, and Jax.  And here's a list of 25 more:

 

1.  Because I'm a god-damned adult.

2.  Because today, my almost two-year old peed on my leg.

3.  Because today, my almost four-year old picked her nose, and rubbed it on my couch.  Twice.

4.  Because my husband sleeps with ear plugs in.

5.  Because my dog barks every time the wind blows, and today was fucking windy.

6.  Because today was laundry day, and I had 5 loads of laundry to do.

7.  Because after I finished washing and drying 5 loads of laundry, my son shit his pants.

8.  Because I made breakfast, lunch, and supper for three kids, and that shit is hard.

9.  Because I'm watching my weight, and can't eat any fucking fried pepperoni.

10.  Because I love pinterest, and I'm making a wine cork wreath, mother fucker.

11.  Because my cat hurled up a hairball at 5:30 this morning and guess who has to clean it up?!

12.  Because "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mom. Mom."

13.  Because "Sammy, what do I feed them for lunch?" "Sammy, where are the shoes?" "Sammy, can they go outside?" Sammy, where is my black t-shirt." "Sammy, do we have any more milk?"

14.  Because I have a five-year old who thinks she knows everything.

15.  Because "MOMMY! Gracie's being mean to me!!!!!!"

16.  Because my kids don't want to wear coats, even though it was fucking snowing outside tonight.

17.  Because it's the end of April, and it was fucking snowing!!

18.  Because today I swept up three thousand Cheerios from under my kitchen table, even though I just vacuumed yesterday.

19.  Because today I tried to kiss my two-year old and he pushed me away and said, "Eww, mommy.  No."

20.  Because today was a must-shower day.  And I didn't shower.

21.  Because while playing with a watering can, my oldest child watered my boobies and said, "Here mommy, maybe this will help them grow."

22.  Because I pee a little when I sneeze.

23.  Because I'm over thirty, and a little bitter about that now.

24.  Because I pushed three beings out of my vagina.

25.  Because I fucking want to!!

Bonus Reason** Because this stupid tablet keeps auto-correcting fucking to ducking.

 

And I'm sure every single other mother out there can add to this list.  I don't drink wine to remember the times before I was a mother... I drink wine because I'm a mother.  And quite fucking proudly, too, thank you very much.  Mothering is hard as hell, and if I want to drink wine I will, gosh-darn it!  I'll also drink Keiths, Sangria, mouthwash, and windshield-wash fluid if I want.  Because your "non-judgemental, friendly advice" is judgemental as hell.  And ignorant.  And dumb.  How the hell am I supposed to parent efficiently without a little grape juice as a reward for a hard day's work? Huh?? Drink a little less wine, and a little more water.... pfshhhh... I've been drinking water all night. And look how well that turned out for you tonight, Magic.  There's not a mother out there who would hear your friendly advice and think, "You know what.  I should drink more water.  Thanks, Magic!"  But I bet there are plenty willing to join me in donating our empty wine bottles so you can put your advice in them and shove it up your ass.

 

So, hey Magic.  There's nothing better than playing music for the audience, and broadcasting great jokes for everyone in radio land to hear.  It's even nice to remember the days when you didn't play the same song 10 times in one day.  But there's nothing worse than hearing judgemental advice from a radio station about the amount of alcohol a mother should be drinking.  So how about next time, you play a little more music, and a little less bullshit.  No judgment.  Just some friendly advice, from a wine-drinking mother you pissed off on a Tuesday night.

How about a little less water, and a little more wine?!