Has anybody ever told you that being a mother is the most rewarding thing there is? It's 100% true. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing your baby take her first steps, or say her first words, or help her baby sister find the toy she wants. But does that make me immune to nostalgia about the yester-years? Before the days of poopy diapers, breastfeeding, and toddler tantrums? Aw hell no!
There are certain benefits to being a non-mommy. Clean shirts for instance. I miss the days when I could walk out of the house without having to check for boogers or barf. I really miss the days when my ultra-conservative boss would just say "Good morning, Samantha." Since our last awkward "Uhh, you've got something on your shirt there." "Yeah, it's snot" conversation, my boss just says "Good morning" and stares at my shoulder. At least he's polite enough not to point it out every time. Although I'm sure he's thinking, "Boogers again? Why can't she wear a clean shirt? Who comes to work every morning with snot on their shirt?" Believe me, I leave the house every morning with a clean shirt. Somewhere between my house and the sitter's house, Ella manages to land a snot rocket on me. She's crafty like that.
Another pre-motherhood phenomenon is going to the bathroom alone. When they are babies, you take them with you to make sure they don't roll down the stairs when you're not there, when they are older, they demand that they join you. I find myself sneaking off to the bathroom when Gracie is distracted just so I can go pee alone! Sometimes she notices me and runs to cut me off. She may be tiny, but that girl got speed! When I first went back to work, I would find myself announcing to my coworkers "I'm going to the bathroom now" just to see if anybody wanted to join me. Okay, that's not totally true, but it felt so wrong (and yet, so right) to go pee alllll by myself!
Poop. Sure, everybody poops. We all know it! But until you're a parent, you live in this lovely world where you can pretend poop doesn't happen. Once you're a parent, that's all out the window. Now, I'm a butt-sniffer. Ella was grunting... did she poop? *sniff**sniff* Yup! Time to change her! The other day after a sniff check, I took her in to change her, was happy to see there was nothing up her back, and proceeded to pull her pants off. Next thing I knew, there was poop smeared down her legs, and onto her socks. And since Ella immediately pulls off her socks when being changed, it was now on her hands. And my hands. And an elbow. And down the wall, since I threw a poopy sock at the laundry basket and it hit the wall, slid down, and landed on the floor. Yeah, 2 years ago that experience would never have happened. Now, I am an expert at pinning Ella's hands with my non-poopy hand, getting her cleaned up before she can touch anything else, and get her into a clean diaper, all without throwing up at the thought that I still have poop on one elbow and some knuckles. It gets better after they're potty trained, but not by much. Now I get "Mooooooom! I pooped, come wipe my bum!" and then once I enter the washroom, I have to comment on how big, green, pretty, long, or smelly it is. No comment at all just isn't acceptable to a two-year old. I mean, come on. She just pooped after all!!
A clean house. Damn, don't I miss that! Not that my house was ever really spotless. But the most I usually had to do was the dishes, and scrub the floors every now and then. Then I had kids. Now, no matter how clean my house is, it never looks clean. It's hard for it to look clean when I have diaper bags stacked on the floor, a jolly jumper hanging from the doorframe, an exersaucer in the hallway, 2.5 million children's books stacked in the corner, and toys all over the freaking place. We don't have that many toys for the girls because we spend a lot of time on the go, or playing outside. But the few that we do have, inevitably, are in the middle of the floor. Even though I just put them away two minutes ago. Gracie has to clean her toys up before she goes to bed. So between 7:30 p.m. and 7:30 a.m., the toys are usually put away. Not to mention the cheerios. Oh my God, the cheerios. Now that Ella is eating the snack food choice of all infants, they are freaking everywhere! They stick to her pants and her shirt and her hands, so they get transferred from room to room where they drop onto the floor. Or she throws them off the exersaucer and they land on the couch cushions, under the diaper bags, or behind the toys. They are everywhere!! Not to mention that Gracie now gets her own snacks. The other day I found a bowl with some banana pieces (I think) under a couch cushion. They had been there awhile. I have also found milk glasses behind the bookcase, and in the cupboard under the sink. No house is truly clean with a child in it. And most of the time, we don't realize how disgusting things are until we find a month-old piece of peanut butter toast behind a chair.
One of the things I miss the most (and the least) about my pre-mama life is the conversations. It used to be about dreams for the future, where we see ourselves in 5 years, love, and all sorts of uplifting and hopeful stuff. Well, we're here, five years later and the conversations have changed dramatically. Sure, we still talk about our dreams ("Danny, my parents are coming down in 13.25 days, I can't wait to let somebody else cook and clean for a while") but mostly, our conversations are about poop, bodily functions, what the girls have gotten into, and how not to totally fuck up their lives.
If you're a parent, you've probably said most of these. If you're not a parent, you're probably wondering why in the world Gracie thinks there are batteries in my bum. I can't explain that one... have a couple of kids for yourself, and you'll understand!
Another pre-motherhood phenomenon is going to the bathroom alone. When they are babies, you take them with you to make sure they don't roll down the stairs when you're not there, when they are older, they demand that they join you. I find myself sneaking off to the bathroom when Gracie is distracted just so I can go pee alone! Sometimes she notices me and runs to cut me off. She may be tiny, but that girl got speed! When I first went back to work, I would find myself announcing to my coworkers "I'm going to the bathroom now" just to see if anybody wanted to join me. Okay, that's not totally true, but it felt so wrong (and yet, so right) to go pee alllll by myself!
Poop. Sure, everybody poops. We all know it! But until you're a parent, you live in this lovely world where you can pretend poop doesn't happen. Once you're a parent, that's all out the window. Now, I'm a butt-sniffer. Ella was grunting... did she poop? *sniff**sniff* Yup! Time to change her! The other day after a sniff check, I took her in to change her, was happy to see there was nothing up her back, and proceeded to pull her pants off. Next thing I knew, there was poop smeared down her legs, and onto her socks. And since Ella immediately pulls off her socks when being changed, it was now on her hands. And my hands. And an elbow. And down the wall, since I threw a poopy sock at the laundry basket and it hit the wall, slid down, and landed on the floor. Yeah, 2 years ago that experience would never have happened. Now, I am an expert at pinning Ella's hands with my non-poopy hand, getting her cleaned up before she can touch anything else, and get her into a clean diaper, all without throwing up at the thought that I still have poop on one elbow and some knuckles. It gets better after they're potty trained, but not by much. Now I get "Mooooooom! I pooped, come wipe my bum!" and then once I enter the washroom, I have to comment on how big, green, pretty, long, or smelly it is. No comment at all just isn't acceptable to a two-year old. I mean, come on. She just pooped after all!!
A clean house. Damn, don't I miss that! Not that my house was ever really spotless. But the most I usually had to do was the dishes, and scrub the floors every now and then. Then I had kids. Now, no matter how clean my house is, it never looks clean. It's hard for it to look clean when I have diaper bags stacked on the floor, a jolly jumper hanging from the doorframe, an exersaucer in the hallway, 2.5 million children's books stacked in the corner, and toys all over the freaking place. We don't have that many toys for the girls because we spend a lot of time on the go, or playing outside. But the few that we do have, inevitably, are in the middle of the floor. Even though I just put them away two minutes ago. Gracie has to clean her toys up before she goes to bed. So between 7:30 p.m. and 7:30 a.m., the toys are usually put away. Not to mention the cheerios. Oh my God, the cheerios. Now that Ella is eating the snack food choice of all infants, they are freaking everywhere! They stick to her pants and her shirt and her hands, so they get transferred from room to room where they drop onto the floor. Or she throws them off the exersaucer and they land on the couch cushions, under the diaper bags, or behind the toys. They are everywhere!! Not to mention that Gracie now gets her own snacks. The other day I found a bowl with some banana pieces (I think) under a couch cushion. They had been there awhile. I have also found milk glasses behind the bookcase, and in the cupboard under the sink. No house is truly clean with a child in it. And most of the time, we don't realize how disgusting things are until we find a month-old piece of peanut butter toast behind a chair.
One of the things I miss the most (and the least) about my pre-mama life is the conversations. It used to be about dreams for the future, where we see ourselves in 5 years, love, and all sorts of uplifting and hopeful stuff. Well, we're here, five years later and the conversations have changed dramatically. Sure, we still talk about our dreams ("Danny, my parents are coming down in 13.25 days, I can't wait to let somebody else cook and clean for a while") but mostly, our conversations are about poop, bodily functions, what the girls have gotten into, and how not to totally fuck up their lives.
If you're a parent, you've probably said most of these. If you're not a parent, you're probably wondering why in the world Gracie thinks there are batteries in my bum. I can't explain that one... have a couple of kids for yourself, and you'll understand!
Oh my God Danny, come look at this poop!
Please stop trying to wipe my bum while I'm sitting on the toilet.
No, Gracie, Ella is not a little shithead like you.
Gracie, you drink out of a cup now, nipples are for Ella.
Gracie, we don't say "fuck." Or "shit."
Don't worry, I wont flush it until you see it!
Danny, come quick I need backup! She has poop behind her ears!
Gracie, it's "Oh my goodness," not "holy shit."
Thank you, you're very sweet, but I don't need you to hold my hand while I'm pooping.
Yes, Mom, you were right.
Yes that's the cat's bum, no you cannot poke it.
Please remember, when we're out in public, you have to keep your pants on!
Gracie there are no batteries in my bum, please get your hands out of my pants!
Gracie there are no batteries in my bum, please get your hands out of my pants!
Sure Danny, let's have another baby!
No comments:
Post a Comment