This is a post I've been struggling to write for a while. It's been one that I've questioned sharing, and have started and erased numerous occasions. I don't have legions of fans reading my blog, but I still feel as though, to not write this one would be dishonest to those of you who do follow along with my crazy little life. I said I would share the ups and the downs... so here it goes.
During the last few months I've found myself fighting a battle within myself... it's very difficult to explain. In pretty much all respects, I have a perfect life. I have two beautiful girls, a loving husband, a fulfilling career. And yet, I found myself not really enjoying any of it. I was happy... and then again, I wasn't. I felt kind of... empty. Here I had two beautiful girls, doing amazing things every day and I would smile at them, and laugh, and cheer them on, but it was only because I knew that's what I was supposed to do. My smile didn't quite reach my insides.
Sometimes I would find myself just staring out the window, not thinking of anything at all... just staring. Other times I would find myself feeling so "blah." I didn't have any energy, any get-up-and-go. I couldn't bring myself to do anything more than the necessities. I would get through the day, but as soon as the girls were in bed, I would go to bed too, or collapse on the couch and not do anything. If Danny was working, I didn't bother to eat in the evenings. If I did tackle things, like laundry or housework, it was all so mechanical. I knew it had to be done, so I would do it.
I found myself getting angry and frustrated over nothing. And then just as quickly, those emotions would change back to "oh, who cares." I felt like something was wrong, but I couldn't pinpoint it. For a while, I questioned whether I was depressed. But I wasn't sad. I just wasn't... happy.
I was really frustrated about feeling this way. Sometimes I would just collapse against Danny and ask him, "what's wrong with me?" while he hugged me. How could I feel like this when I had so much going right in my life? I had so much to be happy about... and yet, for reasons I couldn't explain, I just wasn't.
And then one day, during my lunch break at work, I came across this article in Women's Health magazine. It was about apathy. I had heard the word apathy before, but didn't really know what it means. It's defined as "a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation, and passion."
The article talked about how apathy is becoming more and more common, especially in the lives of women. It talked about apathy being a coping mechanism for when women are overwhelmed. "Any woman can be become apathetic provided the right set of circumstances. And those circumstances are piling up as women strive to look sharp and nurture others while juggling challenging careers, difficult relationships, and hectic households." It talked about using apathy as a way to protect one's self from failure. If you don't care, then it wont matter.
Reading the article was like a wake-up for me... it was the answer that I was looking for. There wasn't anything wrong with me. I had just lost my passion, my excitement. I was stressed about things that were beyond my control. I had just gone back to work, I was juggling a hectic household, I was involved with volunteer projects that were totally draining, and I was just dealing with it the only way I knew how... by deciding I didn't care. The problem with deciding not to care, apparently, is that it also ended up affecting things I wanted to care about. My family, my husband.
Once I realized what was going on in my poor, overworked brain, I felt like a completely different person. I started making a conscious effort to stop and enjoy things. To not just see the girls playing together, but to watch them. Once I started enjoying my family again, I found the stress about the other things just wasn't as stressful any longer. I was still just as busy, but when I was frustrated about being busy then I said that, out loud. I started taking care of myself, making sure to eat and work out when I could. At work, I would do what I could during a day, and then forget about when I left the office. I couldn't do anymore than I could do, and that's all there was to it.
It's amazing what the mind can do without us realizing it. And it's even more amazing what the mind can do once you "put your mind to it." I know it sounds cheesy, but once I decided to just "be happy" I found that I was. Being happy can be a conscious decision. We often rely on the things around us to make us happy, when really, it's as simple as just being happy. Making that decision.
These days, I'm feeling much better. I feel that passion again for my kids. I want to get down on the floor and play with them again. I want to make their lunches, and pack their bags. I want to hear Ella screeching and Gracie whining. I watch the girls and I smile... not because I should, but because I want to!
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