Why are you yelling, mom?

"Why are you yelling, mom?" 

Gracie seems to ask me this a few times a day lately.  I pride myself on being a patient mother, a calm mother, a mother who loses her shit in private and not around her kids.  But apparently I have not been successful lately.  I don't know whether to blame it on the fact that I'm 34 weeks pregnant and super fat, that I have huge amounts of hormones coursing through my body, that sleep is getting harder and harder to attain, or on the fact that Gracie (God love her) has reached an age that annoys the ever-living fuck out of me.  Please excuse the language (I've been holding it in).

Gracie is three years old.  We just went through the "terrible twos" and I have to say, they weren't so terrible.  Whoever it was that invented the terrible two obviously wasn't a real parent.  Either that, or it was a real parent who smothered their child before they reached the age of three.  Because two aint got nothin' on three. 

First of all there's the attitude.  We've always dealt with attitude from Gracie, especially since the little bugger started talking before she was a year old.  Talking = attitude.  That means we've had an extra year of attitude.  Now, when I'm trying to talk to Gracie, she cuts me off with attitude:  "Gracie, you can't treat Ella like..." "MOOOOOM!" she screams, interrupting me.  "Gracie, don't interrupt m...." "Mommmmmmy! Listen to me!" "No, you listen to me fir..." "MOOOOOOOM!" Also, she stomps her feet her, crosses her arms, and tosses her hair.  I should videotape it... except at the time I don't see the humour in it.  In fact, I'm pretty sure all I see is red.  When she interrupts me for the fourth time, I yell, "Gracie!!" and she stops interrupting and asks, "Why are you yelling, mom?" and then looks at me perfectly quiet and still while I say what I have been trying to get out for the last five minutes.  I wonder for a minute if I imagined all of the interrupting and yelling, because she seems perfectly reasonable right now!

She also has a new favourite expression. "Wellllll....."  As in, "Gracie, it's time for supper now, please put away the crayons." "Wellllll... I don't want to."  "Gracie, we have to leave in a few minutes, so please go have a pee before we leave."  "Welllllll... I already peed once today."  "Gracie, please don't talk back to me." "Welllll... it's not really talking back, you're just not listening to me."

She has also decided that time-outs are an acceptable alternative to doing something she doesn't want to do.  Sometimes I ask her to do something, and she replies with, "Umm, no I'll just take a time-out instead."  When I tell her a time-out isn't an option, she grunts at me, which gets her a time-out.  When the time out is over, I ask her if she's ready to do what I asked her to do.  She says no, and says she'll go back in time out again.  Sometimes I win this battle.  Like when I have all freaking day to sit her in time out.  But that's not our life.  If I'm asking her to do something, it's probably because we need to be somewhere.  So she tries to wait me out.  Eventually, she thinks, I'll have to do it myself if we're going to make it in time to wherever it is we need to be.  This, of course, never works for her.  Usually, after asking nicely 3, or 4, or 5 time, I usually end up yelling "Gracie, get your butt over here and pick up these toys RIGHT NOW!"  To which she replies, "Why are you yelling mom?" while she rolls her eyes at me and picks up the toys. 

She also loves to "play" with her sister.  Ella's not a huge fan of playing with Gracie most of the time, but Gracie doesn't seem to care.  The other day they were playing doctor and Gracie wanted to listen to Ella's heart: "Let me listen to your heart, Ella." "No thank you." "Let me listen to your heart, Ella." "No." "Let me listen to your heart, Ella." "NO!" "Come here, Ella, I want to listen to your heart!" "NOOO!!"  Ella now runs away while Gracie chases her with the toy stethascope, laughing the whole time because she thinks making Ella scream is hilarious!  "Gracie!!!  Stop it now!!  Ella said no!!" I yell.  They both stop where they are and Gracie leans in to Ella and says "Mommy's yelling again!" and Ella replies, "yeaaaah."   Then Gracie listens to Ella's heart while they both stare at me like I'm out of my freaking mind for yelling at them.

Today we took Ella to swimming lessons.  I was too tired to get in the pool with Ella, and it was Danny's turn to take her in, so Gracie and I watched from the bleachers.  Ella's swim lesson is 30 minutes long.  It was the longest 30 minutes of my life.  I would take 30 extra minutes of labour with this baby to not have to endure those 30 minutes again.  First of all, let me say that we don't watch TV unless it's the weekend, so each and every time in the following "conversation" I told Gracie "no" to the TV question.  Second of all, please know that I kept my calm the entire 30 minutes.  Here's how the 30 minutes went...

"Why is that person by the pool, mommy?"

"Where's that little girl's mommy, mommy?"

"Can I watch a show when we get home, mommy?"

"How come her hair is in a ponytail?"

"Why does she have a green water bottle?"

"Where is that person's mommy, mommy?"

"Do you see Daddy and Ella, mommy?"

"Why is there a piece of dirt there?"

"Can I watch a show in the car, mommy?"

"Why does she have a black bathing suit, mommy?"

"Why does that boy wear a blue bathing suit, mommy"

"Why is raining again, mommy?"

"How come you always say tomorrow, mommy, but none of the days are called tomorrow?"

"Can I have a snack?"

"Why didn't you bring a snack?"

"Why does Jayden's mommy always bring me a snack but you don't?"

"Why am I still hungry if I ate all my supper?"

"Can I watch a show on the drive home?"

"Why is there red on my boot, I don't like red right now?"

"Why was there an ant on my floor?"

"Do ants lick?"

"Do ants bite?"

"Why is that lady sitting there?"

"Where is that lady's daughter, mommy?"

And so on.  And so on.  And so on.  I honestly asked her, at least 3 or 4 times, if she could just be quiet for a few minutes, to which she laughed and said, "I'm never quiet, mommy!" and kept on talking and asking questions.  When we got to the car, she said, "Mommy, can I watch a show?" for the 8th time in 30 minutes, and I yelled, "Noooo!"  Gracie just stared at me and said, "Why are you yelling, mom?"  Danny looked at me too, and I tried to explain how the last 30 minutes had gone.  But I wasn't really coherent.  My words weren't making sense, my brain was exhausted.  "Just. Make it. Stop."  I said, while Gracie and Ella screeched at each other in the back seat.  Danny did something he rarely does.  Danny yelled.  Danny is loud.  And a little bit scary.  And it works.  Both girls were immediately quiet. "Sorry, daddy!" they both said.  And they played nicely for the rest of the drive home.  No one questioned why he was yelling.  Daddy doesn't lose his shit very often, so the girls still take him very seriously when he does.  I definitely need to keep this man around.  I have another half a year of the "terrible threes" with this child, and then I have two more kids to get through it, too.  Oh Lord.  I have a feeling mommy may lose her shit a few more times between now and then!